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ESCAPE FROM LONDON ZOO
23 February 2000
''Here is your mouldy meat" said Mr Grime the gamekeeper of London Zoo as he
tossed a leg of cow into the cage.
'I'm not eating that' said Triumph the Tiger. 'Its got bugs on it. Why cant
I have some fresh meat?'
'You get what you are given' said Mr Grime. 'You are just a animal. I am a
human being. That makes me superior. Eat you shit or starve.'
'you’re a fascist bastard' said Triumph. Mr Grime ignored this comment and
went away to feed the zebras.
'Grrrr' thought Triumph. ' I'm fed up eating this muck they feed us in this
zoo. I want to eat ham and mushroom pizza's .'
'Here is your dirty drinking water' said Mr Grime to the zebra's putting a
bowl of brown water in their cage.
'We want cappachino coffee ' all four of them said,
'You can't have coffee. That is only for humans like me. We are superior.
You are just dumb animals. That’s why you are in cages and you will remain
here till you die ha ha ha.'
At eight o'clock that night there was a big explosion at the zoo. A gas main
had ruptured and blew off all the doors to the animal cages.
'What caused that?' said one of the zebra's.
'It must have been Big Jim the elephant farting' said Ricky the gorilla .
'It was'nt me' said Jim .
'Who cares. We're free now' said Triumph the tiger. 'Lets get out of here
before its too late.'
'Where shall we go?' asked one of the zebra's.
'I know exactly where to go' said Triumph. 'Camden Town. Its just down the
road. They do ham and mushroom pizza's there.'
'A great idear' said Ricky. 'I could get some Doc Martins boots.'
'Yeah. And I could get some Frank Zappa and John Zorn cd's' said Big Jim.
'And we could get some cappachino coffee' said the zebras.
They made their way to the main gate. But standing in front of them was Mr
Grime.
'Where do you think you are going? Get back to your cages at once'.
'Fuck you cunt' said Triumph angrily. 'Jim fill him up with shit.'
'Nooo' screamed Mr Grime in fear. 'Do not shit in my mouth.'
Big Jim the elephant did a two ton turd over Mr Grime that buried him.
Down Camden High street they charged. Cars and buses crashed into each
other. People screamed and ran and hid . Triumph the tiger noticed a
resturant that did pizza's and coffee.
'Lets go in here' he said to the zebras .
'Ahhhh. ' screamed the customers turning tables and chairs over in fright.
'A vicious tiger has come to kill us.' They jumped through the windows.
'Don’t eat me' pleaded the manager shaking and wetting his pants.
'Bring me five ham and mushroom pizza's and four capachino coffee's quick or
I'll bite your bum' said Triumph.
'yes sir. Right away sir' said the manager nervously.
Mean while Big Jim the elephant had found a record shop. He ran through the
window smashing it and found himself inside, serounded by cd's.
'Wow' he thought. 'They have all the early Mothers of Invention, Zappa
stuff. Plus a rare Captain Beefhart box set. I'll have all these' he said
grabbing the cd's with his trunk and stuffing them in his mouth.
Ricky the gorrilla had broken into a cloths shop and had found some Docter
Martin boots and a nice pair of green combat trousers. 'Hee hee hee. I look
like a cool dude now' he said.
He and Big Jim met the other at the resturont. But soon they found that
police cars and thefire brigade were parked outside. Their blue lights
flashing.
'Ok you wild animals' said a policman through a maga phone. 'This is the
police. Give yourselfs up and go back to the zoo peacfuly.'
'No way.' said Triumph the tiger. 'We don’t want to go to that shity jail.
We like it here.
We have found a better quality of life.'
'We can make things better for you at the zoo. I promise. Just tell us what
you want.'
'I want ham and mushroom pizza's every day for my dinner' said Triumph.
'We want capachino coffee' said the zebra's.
'I want cd's and my own cd player' said Big Jim.
'I want sports wear with top names like Nike or Adiddas' said Ricky.
'I promise that you will get all these things free. Now will you go back to
the zoo?'
'Hurray' cheered the zoo animals. 'We have won over the humans.'
SEXTON MING
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