THE WILD WEEKEND
10 November 2000
Last Friday me and a few friends went to the sea side at a holiday camp to see three days of rock 'n' roll. It was a festival of live music and hard drinking.
It began at the station in London. I went to the bar and drank a beer. The others bought bottles of vodka. It was a four hour jurney so we had to get drunk.
On the train an old man noticed us drinking from the vodka bottles. 'Where are you lot off too?' he asked us.
'We are off to see a lot of rock bands and to drink hard like men' we said.
'Anyone famous?' he asked.
'No. Only a bunch of kids who think they are still in the sixties.'
"Let me have some of your drink and I will tell you of famous rock stars I have known.'
We gave the old man a bottle of vodka and he drank it down in one go.
'I knew Elvis Presley in the fiftys. I use to wash his dirty under pants. Filthy they were. Full of crap and wee wee, He use to say to me "Get me some hamburgers or you will be working for Chuck Berry instead." Then in the sixties I worked for the Beatles. I said to John Lennon "you'll be dead in 1980" but he did'nt beleave me.'
Me and my friends realised this old man was a patherlogical lier. So we beat him up and threw him off the train.
Soon we got to the place where the festival was. There were more than a thousand people there all drinking beer. On stage was a band called the Rectum Rausers. They had a midget playing guitar who would do fire breathing from time to time. Their tunes were very violent and punky. Like "Take his arse".
"Every day I look for something hairy and soft.
Every day I look for a new bargain.
I grease it up and insert.
I thrust away and take his arse but donŐt call me gay.
Because I'm straight with guts."
We met many other friends there. And we descided to drink ten pints of beer each. More bands played. "The Sixties Crap Houses" "The Mod Wankers" and "The Rock 'a' billy Rimmers." By three in the morning we went to bed and drank more beer.
At two in the afternoon we woke up and went straight to the venue to drink and not to eat. We were on a mission of self distruct. We saw a band called 'The Gucci boys" There songs went like this.
"I was'nt born in the sixties
But my dad was.
So I borrow his coat, scooter and guitar
And now I' m trendy but insecure still.
I wish I had my own youth culture sob sob."
The Gucci Boys were crap so we went and drank some beer. Then Some very special guests turned up. Two old porn stars from the seventies. Miss Patty Plenty and Miss Kitten Netivadad. There breasts were as big as hot air balloons. They poured beer over them and invited us to suck them clean. Then we put our dicks between the globs and pumped. Then the two ex porn stars swung us round by our dicks.
Later that afternoon there was a wrestling match for our entertainment. They had built a small ring in front of the stage where the bands played. The compare wore a red jacket and tie and no trousers. He introduced the mean wrestlers.
'In the blue corner "Gut Slamming Sam"'.
'Boo" went the audience. Gut Slamming Sam grabbed the microphone. 'I've never seen so many ugly women in all my life' he said.
'Boo' went the audience.
'And in the red corner "Arse Wipe".
Arse wipe also said something. 'I will kill Slamming Sam'. After four rounds he did.
Then we drank more beer, watched more shit bands. Went to bed drinking beer. Woke up at two, drank more beer, watched more shit bands. Till it was time to go.
After the last band played, our host got onstage and said, 'you foreigners have not come all this way to just to see a load of shit bands! No! you've come to seeÉ..me shove BIG BEN up my arse!' And with that he ran out into a hurricane and set off a huge firework from his arse. It would have burned the whole building down had Randos the Bull not been on hand to piss and put out the fireworks.
We had all partied so hard and snogged each others faces off, so when we got back to London we had all lost our voices. We had to buy a bottle of Jaegermiester to ease our throats and prepare us for more drinking.