|
WEYMOUTH
10 September 1999
'You'll find lots of sosiges in the mountains' said the ticket collector at Weymouth station.
You see folks although I am supposed to write about London , London can fuck you up if you live too long there. Its ok for you tourists but living there gets you crazy. Thatıs why, every national holiday we try to get away to as many exotic parts of Briton as quickly as we can. So this time me and my girl friend went to Weymouth on the south coast. Lots of blue sea and yellow sand and mountains.
'You'll find lots of sosiges in the mountains' said the ticket collector.
'Why do you say such a thing?' I said punching him in the guts. He buckled in half, gasping for air. 'Please donıt kill me', he said.
'I should' I scowled.
'No wait. I know a mountain where they sell beer.'
'Now your talking' I said. 'But talk fast.'
'Ok. Go to the bit of land they call Portland. You'll find a mountain there. If you climb it there is twenty pubs on top of it. But look out for the jagged rocks below. They can be dangerous.'
Without a moments hesitation me and my girl friend headed towards this place called Portland where this mountain had beer. There was signs at the bottom of the mountain saying "If you climb this rocky hill you will get beer, One mile= one pint."
We climbed one mile but the was no pub to serve us. We climbed another mile, still no pub with beer. After six miles we saw a small sign on a tree that said "Ha ha ha we've tricked you. There is no beer on this mountain. Weymouth council."
We were very disapointed and raging with rage. We climbed all this way for beer and not a drop. Our throats were dry. The only thing we could do was to walk across the mountains ledge to the other side and go down and hope there was a pub there. All the while we walk the earth worms came out of the soil and teased us. ' Ha ha ha. Would you like some moisture? We have plenty.' Yes the sun was hot and beated on our brows.
Suddenly we saw a man on the jagged rocks below, all prostraight and twisted. He cried for help.
'Are you alright?' we shouted down to him.
'No' he replied in pain. 'I was rock climbing, hoping to find a pub with some beer. Then I lost my grip and fell ten thousand feet and now I've broken my ankle. Can you get the coast guard to rescue me?'
Luckily my girl friend had her mobile phone on her. We called the coast guard and with in six hours a big coast guard hellicopter came over head. "Chopper, chopper, chopper" went the air machine.
'Ok you cunt' said the pilot to the rock climber below. 'We are sending down one of our best rescue men with a stretcher. His name is Randos the Bull. He is a fully qualified bull.'
From out of the aircraft they lowerd Randos from a rope down to the rock climber. But too quickly. Randos fell gut first onto the man with a heavy thump.
'Are you ok?' Randos asked the man.
'Well originly I had a broken ankle. But since you fell on me I've broken two ribs and they are puncturing both my lungs so I cant breath.'
'Let me shit in your mouth' said Randos.
Suddenly the engine of the rescue hellicopter splutterd and coughed.
'Randos' cried the pilot . 'Your two fat and heavy. The rope your attached to is pulling down our copter. We're gping to crash on the rocks below. Aaaaggghhhhh!'
And so the air craft did. Killing the pilot and the rock climber. But not Randos. He side stepped the whole incident and ran up the side of the mountain to us.
'Come with me' he said. 'I know a place where they sell beer.'
SEXTON MING
back
to top
|