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THE WEDDING, PART 1
08 October 1999
Last Sunday me and my girlfriend Ella went up north of England to our friends wedding. At St Pancreas station we went.
We met the Station Master who was eating rotten fish heads and tails.
'Where's the train to Nottingham?' we asked him.
'Do you really want me to speak?' he said.
'Yes we do.'
'But my breath really stinks. But if you insist. Your train is over there' he pointed. We got on it and drank lots of beer.
After three hours we were in Nottingham.
'Quick. To the church' said Ella. We made our way to the church. It was an old one. Built in the ninth century with lots of
stained windows depicting the birth and death of Christ. Sometimes on the toilet or picking his nose.
We meet lots of guests there, all dressed neatly. We all trundled into the church and took our seats. Then one of the
Priests shouted 'Have we a Bride Groom here?' There was silence. The Priest spoke again. 'Is there a fucking Bride
Groom here? We can't go on with out one.'
'Will I do?' said one man dressed in cream.
'I'm not marrying you' said the Bride who's name was Joanne. 'Wheres my husband to be?'
Edward the Bride Groom came running up the aisle sniffing and panting. 'Sorry I'm late' he said. 'I was in the toilet
having a quick line of coke.'
'I hope you've saved some for me' said the Priest. 'Right. Lets all sing the hymn "Happy the glass man"'.
The church organ sounded and we all sung together.
"He'll fill you up with shit.
He is full of it.
Brick his hart.
Happy the glass man.
He likes meat minced.
He's not tired of it.
Brick his hart.
Happy the glass man.
Just when you thought it was safe
To rest in your bed.
Happy comes with chunks of meat
To frighten vegitarians.
Brick his hart,
Brick his hart.
Happy the glass man,
And save us Lord."
After the hymn the Priest told us to sit down and shut up. He gatherd the Bride and Bride Groom together.
'I shall now place these crowns of solid gold on their heads and make them walk round in circles whilst pouring
incense over them.'
This is what the Priest did. But while he was doing that Ezralder the local witch turned up on her broomstick.
'Stop this wedding at once' she cried.
'Why?' said the priest.
'Because it isn't Pagan enough.'
'What are you talking about, you stupid bitch' said the Priest. 'This is an Orthodox wedding. Its full of Pagan stuff.'
'Call running around in circles with crowns on their heads Pagan?' said Ezralder. 'thatŐs a load of bollocks.'
'Yeah? Well fuck off you stupid cow' said the Priest.
'Ah fuck you' said Ezralder pissing in the baptising font. After she was escourted out of the church the Priest continued
with the wedding ceromony.
'Do you Edward take this woman to be your wife?'
'I do.'
'Good. Now go and get her pregnant.'
'Hay, what about me?' said Joanne. 'DonŐt I have a say in the matter?'
'No' said The priest. 'This is Christianity. Now go before I drop my guts'.
SEXTON MING
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