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VOODOO OF THE SAXONS
February 2001
Many years ago. Before we were born. On an island lived a tribe of Saxons. They had traveld the globe and had found many things. Diamonds from Africa. Gold and silk from China. And a strange kind of magic from New Orleans called Voodoo.
Their leader Oxo was most impressed by this Voodoo.
'This Voodoo stuff is great' he said. 'You can do anything with it. If I burn a chikens foot with some lavinder insence and mix some frogs guts in with it then piss on it and say "Umgumbo!". See? This mouse has turned into an elephant.'
The elephant raised his trunk and roared. 'Give me some buns to eat.'
'thatŐs great Oxo' said the leader's right hand man Zippi. 'With this Voodoo we can conquer our enimys.'
'What about some bloody buns to eat' said the elephant impatiently
'Yes we could rule the world' said Oxo.
'Give me some buns now or I'll smash your face in' said the elephant now getting angry.
'Oooohhh we better get this elephant some buns" said Oxo.
'The Island of Tama has a lot of buns' said Zippi. 'As a trial run we could use the Voodoo to conker them and get some buns at the same time.'
'Good idear.'
The Island of Tama was ten miles away across the sea from the Saxons one. The people of Tama were peaceful folk and highly religious in Christianity. The Parish of Tama run by the Priest Slide Trombone would bake buns and cakes and give them out to the Islanders.
Today Priest Slide Trombone was waiting on the shores of Tama. He was awaiting a new Nun and Bun maker. She arrived by boat with all her bags.
'You must be Priest Slide Trombone' she said with a wink and lifting up her skirt to show a bit of leg. 'My name is Homo Nun.'
'Why are you called that?' he asked.
'Because I use to be a lesbian and I liked to squosh my breasts against others. But all that has changed since I've found Christ. Although lust still resides in me.'
'Fine' said Priest Slide Trombone. 'I hope you can cook,'
'Yes I can .'
'Good. Now get in that kitchen and start baking.'
All morning Homo Nun baked. She made Rock cakes, Chelsea buns, and iced buns. Priest Slide Trombone came to see her handy work.
'You have done very well' he said. 'But wait a minuet. I've never seen a bun like this before' he said holding up a bun with a cross on it. 'What do you call this?'
'Its called a hot cross bun. An invention of my own. The cross represents our saviour, Jesus Christ.'
'Well done' said the Priest. 'We'll make a fortune out of these.'
Meanwhile the elephant was getting impatient.
'Where's these buns you promised me. I'm fucking starving.'
'Hang on you great big brute. I'm trying to sumon up demons of Voodoo. Then You will get your buns.' said Oxo.
'If I donŐt get them soon I'll kick your head in.'
Oxo ignored this threat and concentrated on his VooDoo.
'Turky gizzard mixed with bats droppings. Thorns of blackberry bush and sea seed oil. Hail demons of Voodoo. I sumon you in your thousands to go forth to the Isle of Tama and wreak havoc and distruction on the people there. Bring them to their knees and let them know that Us Saxons are their masters.'
Suddenly the sky was filled with white brillient light. It hoverd for a few seconds then "whoosh'" of it went in the direction of Tama.
Suddenly at Tama bloodshed was every where. Midgets were being strung up from the rafters in the parish. The Voodoo of the Saxons was strong.
'What shall we do?' said Priest Slide Trombone all distraught. 'Hear the men get chopped. Hear the women castraighted. Hear the children get a good belt around the ear. Hell has come upon us with rumbling bass.'
'Come out side and lets talk of bakery' said the Homo Nun calmly. 'It will take your mind off the blood bath.'
The Priest and Nun sat by the parish swimming pool and ate rock cakes.
'A lot of eggs went into these rock cakes' said Homo Nun.
'Mmmm you can taste it' said the Priest with crumbs falling from his chin. 'Such tasty raisons. Where did you get them?'
'Greece' said the Nun.
The Voodoo of the Saxons was getting stronger. They used it to set houses alight. Fire engulfed the Island. The Priest and Nun were serounded by flames.The killing still continued.
'Have a Chelsea bun.'
'Fucking great' said Priest Slide Trombone biting down on it.
Before them stood the Saxon Warrior Oxo. 'Behold and kneel to your victors. For Our Voodoo is all powerful' he gruffed.
The Priest stood up and held a bun. 'Behold a hot cross bun.'
The power of the bun that depicted the cross of Jesus was so powerful that all the Voodoo demons melted away.
'Damn' said Oxo the Saxon sinking to his knee's. 'Foiled by some obscure religen that hasn't spread around the world yet.'
'thatŐs right. Now piss off' said Homo Nun.
'Where's my buns?' said the elephant when Oxo got home defeated.
Oxo shook his head. So the elephant kicked his teeth in.
THE END
Sexton Ming
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