VICAR BROWN
13 December 2000
In a small town called Tumble weed the local people are very religious. They go to church every Sunday. They listern to the sermons of their Vicar, Vicar Brown. But Vicar Brown has a problem that often gets him into trouble. You see he has no control over his bowel movements especialy when he's had a lot to eat. Let me give you some examples.
Once he was round Mrs Maples house having tea and cakes.
'Another cake Vicar?' said Mrs Maples offering him an iced bun.
'Thank you oh disiple, I donŐt mind if I do' he said snatching it off the plate and greedily biting into it.
'Tell me Vicar. What does God look like.'
'Well" he said between munches. 'God is an old man with a white beard who sits on a white fluffy cloud in the sky. Pubecent, naked angels hover around him playing harps and flutes. God see's everything. And if we are naughty he sends thunder bolts. But if we are good he brings us sun shine. He is a lovely man.'
'Ah thatŐs what I was going to ask you next' said Mrs Maples offering Vicar Brown another bun. 'Is God a man?'
'But of course. Only a man could create woman.'
'Does he have a wife? Is there a Mrs God?'
'Oh no, no,no' said the Vicar gulping down the bun and helping himself to two more. 'That would mean God would have to have sex. And he is beyond that. Its only us mortals that have to stoop so low in order to make babys. Sex is a terrible and unholy thing, ugh!'
'I agree with you Vicar. My husband use to make a horrible mess on the sheets.'
Suddenly Vicar Brown felt something bubbling in his stomoche . Pangs of gastric pain fluctuated inside him. He stood up from his chair abruptly.
'Is something the matter Vicar?' asked Mrs Maples.
'I think I've got to have a shit' he grimaced.
'Oh the toilet is upstairs, and on your left.'
'Too late for that' he said pulling down his trousers and hooking his bum over the dinning table. A streak of dark brown shit came flying out of his arse across the white linen table cloth and into Mrs Maples face.
'More tea Vicar?' she said trying hard not to notice anything.
Another time Vicar Brown was in church. It was a special occasion. Mr and Mrs Cilinder had produced a bouncing baby boy. And they were at the church to christen him into the house of God.
Befor the ceremony Vicar Brown had eaten for breakfast some left over chicken curry from the night befor. Had drunk two pints of beer and for his lunch ate two kebabs with chilli sauce. His guts felt a bit bloated. But he thought he could contain himself. Holding Mr and Mrs Cylinders baby he began his speech in front of the congrigation.
'People of Tumble weed. We are hear to witness the christening of this baby boy. May God welcome him to his house and give him lots of lolly pops, because God is like that with kids. May he be a virgin until he has met the right woman. And then only have sex, ugh!, when they are married. I name this baby Tom Jones Cilinder.'
Just then Vicar Browns guts erupted.
'Oh fuck me, I've got to unload my guts' he wailed, lifting up his cassok and depositing his arse into the christening font. Jets of warm brown liquid gushed into the holy water.
'Ah thatŐs better' said Vicar Brown. 'My guts are clear of impurities now, Give me the child. I will drop him into the font thus compleating the christining process.'
'No you wont' said Mr Cylinder. 'That water is full of your shit, you holy cunt.'
'Mind what you say, fuck face' said Vicar Brown farting very loudly and shitting himself at the same time.
Another time the Pope, John-Paul II came to visit Vicar Brown at his parish. In red velvet robes and purples silk dress the Pope walked down the isle of the church.
"Hurray for the Pope" the people said. But Vicar Brown felt his guts wobbling and bent over to fire a solid turd that flew into the Popes open mouth.
'Aaaaggghhh' said his holyness. 'You have just shat in my mouth, your devient cunt,'
'I'm sorry' said Vicar Brown wiping his arse. 'But I have no control over my bowel movements.'
'Then God will take control' said the Pope shoving an efergy of the Virgin Mary up the Vicars butt hole.
'I'm plugged solid' said Vicar Brown. 'No more will I shit. Saints be praised.'
SEXTON MING