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An American holiday part two
MAY 1999
At the airport we got a taxi. 'Where do you want to go? asked the cab driver.
'To Ohio' we said
'Ohio? Why thats here' he said. Then suddenly a cow jumped upon the bonnet and began to shit.
'I am Randos the local bull' he said. 'I am shitting on your car as an act of revenge. For too long you americans have eaten us as hamburgers, And we dont like your big cars, they polute the atmostphere.'
'You've ruind my engine' shouted the cab driver. 'All your crap has gone into the carberater. The car wont start. How am I suposed to get these people to their destination?'
'They can ride on my back' said Randos. And so we climbed on to his back with our suit cases and Randos trotted off.
'Where do you want to go?' asked Randos.
'Lets go to Larrys bar. We could do with a drink' said My girlfriend who is american and comes from Ohio.
'Good idear' said Randos. 'I like to drink. And I like to drive.'
We soon reached Larrys. Inside were lots of broken tables ans chairs. The juke box was blasting out Frank Zappa and Captain Beefhart. I felt at home.
'You cant come in here Randos' Said the barman.
"Why not? ' asked Randos.
'Because your too fat.'
'I only want a drink with my two buddies. If you dont let me in I'll fill your bar up with shit.'
'Ok ok I'll let you in but dont sit on the pool table and squosh it.'
I ordered a bloody mary for myself. A white russion for my girl and a gallon of Miller lite for Randos. Then we sat down at a table apart from Randos who had to stay standing up because of his bulk. Then befor I knew it a drunk came and sat down next to me.
'Hi my name is Tex' he said.
'I am Sexton' I said.
'Hey your not from around here. Your English.'
'Thats right'I said.
'Where in England do you live?
'London.'
'Gee whizz, you must know the Queen. Is it true she has three breasts?'
'I dont think she has Tex but she has an alchoholic sister.'
'Gee isnt it a shame that Princess Diana killed her self. SZhe was such a wounderful woman.'
'Yes she was kind to children and land mines.'
'Yeah I think of her in bed. I spread cheese from a can all over my body then I eat hamburgers.'
'HAMBURGERS?' cried Randos the bull. 'Thats my brothers and sisters you have been eating' he snarled. 'Lets fight.'
Tables and chairs were frown about and broken again. The juke box was smashed. Randos punched Tex to the floor and farted in his face.
I thought it was time to go home. So we did leaving the police to come and arrest Randos.
SEXTON MING
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