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An American holiday part 1
MAY 1999
The day began bright and early with chocolaite sandwiches and vodka. Our bags were packed. We had our passports and tickets. We were going to America the land of the free. The land of the fat. We waited for the taxi to take us to Gatwick airport. We got in and drove off. Thus began our adventure. When we got on the motor way the taxi driver put on a tape of "Stand by your man" by Tammy Wynette. 'Dont play this' we said. 'Its depressing.'
'I must listern to this' he said.'It reminds me of my current situation.'
'And what might that be' we asked.
'My wife has gone and left me. I feel so miserivble I could die. Do you mind if I crash the car and kill every one. I'll pay you compensation.'
'No we've got to get to America. The land of the brave. The land of the curupt. Here. Heres a dirty book to take your mind of things. You can have a good wank.'
'Thanks' said the taxi driver unzipping his flys.
We arrived at the airport, checked in our lugage then drank some more vodka at the bar. Then after half an hour it was time to board the plain.
'Sit down and buckle up you monkeys' said an irate stewardess.
'Give us some booze you fucking bitch' said a top class busnessman.
'I'll give you booze you cunt' she said smashing a bottle of brandy over his head. 'Now shut up and listern to the captains message.'
'Hi this is your captain. We're all going to die. Ha ha ha. Only joking kids. Seriousely I will be flying this plane at ten thousand feet. I am in tip top shape. Ugh there goes my pace maker. Ha ha ha. Only joking kids. Now sit back and relax. Eat your food and get drunk.'
Six hours later we landed in the big ole U S of A. As we departed the stewardess said good bye to us.
'Piss off you cunts' she said.
I had to go to imergration. I handed an official my passport who greedily looked at it.
'So you want to come into my country eh?'
'Yes please' I said.
'What is the purpose of your visit?'
'To eat hamburgers' I said.
'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a writer.'
'Who do you write for?'
'I write for a German news paper called Jung Welt.'
'Thats a comunist news paper. We dont let any pinko commie bastards in here.'
'I'm not a comunist. I'm British. Margret Thatcher and all that.' I said.
'We'll have to strip search you and look up your bum. If your bum hole is pink that means your a commie and we wont let you in. If your bum hole is blue like President Clintons thats ok.'
They looked up my arse. 'Hmm its brown. A little bit of Socialism but a bit of Thatcherism mixed in there. Ok you can enter our country but we'll be watching closely you bastard.'
So I stepped out onto United States concreat to begin my quest for hamburgers.
SEXTON MING
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