KILLER TRACTOR
An old friend of mine who was a farmer had bought a new tractor. It was red
and deep green. And he called it Musclebound because of its strength and
pulling power.
'Come down and see it.' He said. It is a joy to see. It can plough up
fields, cut grass and milk cows. Its engine sounds like a hundred dead
seagulls singing in engine oil. Its big tyres are smooth and solid like a
waight lifters byceps. Its exhaust fumes are sweet and pungent of deasil. I
am in love with my new tractor.'
This is what I was afraid of. My farmer friend whose name was Bob often fell
in love with his equipment. Not just admeration but real sexual type of
love. Once he was in love with a chainsaw and almost cut his willy off.
Before that he fell in love with a combine harvister and almost became a
bale of hay. His wife would get jelous and distressed about his afairs with
his equipment.
My fears were confirmed when he started pampering his tractor. Little things
at first like changing the engine oil every day and putting fresh air in the
tyres. Constant wax and polishing of its mud guards and washing the
slightest bit of dirt off the head lights.
Then things got worse. He started writing love letters to Musclebound the
tractor. His wife Flossy showed me one. It read….
"Of tractor with your blades
shinning bright in the moonlight.
Come to my bedroom and let me
Hug your metal body against mine.
Rev up your engine
And let me feel the throb.
As my penis grows with excitement .
I shall make love to you instead of my harsh wife."
Flossy was outraged. And the final straw came when she found Bob early in
the morning if a field with his dick up the tractors exhaust pipe pumping
away. She called me down to the farm to talk some sense into him.
'Now listern here Bob' I said. 'Its not natural to fuck inanimate objects.'
'Sexton' he said. 'You don’t understand. That tractors red and green body
does more for me than any womans body.'
'Surely womens breasts are better. They are soft and you can suck them.'
'Call me gay, Sexton. But I like hard things.'
'But Flossy has a fine pair of tits' I said.
'Your welcome to them' said Bob. 'I only love my tractor and I' m going to
marry her tomorrow.'
Flossy his wife heard this. And in rage picked up a hammer and began
smashing the headlights of the tractor.
'Take that you stupid tractor' she shouted. 'How dare you come between me
and my husband.'
'Nooooo' screamed Bob.
But before anyone knew it. The tractors engine reved up and it ran over
Flossy chewing her up into tiny bits with its grass cutting blades.
Afterwards the tractor drove towards us and said in a deep oily voice,
'I am the killer tractor posessed by the Devil. It is the Devils wish that
I copulate with this man so that there will be hundreds of humanoid tractor
Devil worshipers. I will kill you now' it said to me.
Its engine screamed and it lunged towards me. I ran and luckily climbed a
tree befor its tyres could reach me. On my person I had my mobile phone. I
called the one living thing that could stop and destroy this demon tractor.
Randos the Bull.
'Ok cunt' said Randos after I explained the situation to him. 'I'm in the
next field. I'll be over staight away.'
'Ah ha' said the tractor when Randos arived . 'Randos, the famous left wing
bull. I will enjoy making you into thin slices of beef.'
'Not so fast' said Randos ripping of the tractors front wheels and shitting
in its deasil tank.
'Aaaahhhgg. Your shit is so thick Randos. My pistons cannot cope with it I
am dying.'
Within a few seconds the killer tractor was dead.
'You've killed my lovely tractor' whaled Bob.
Randos came over to him and with one swing of his fist broke his jaw.
'Get a fucking life' Randos said.
SEXTON MING