SOUP CHILD PT SEVEN
The alchemist tried various things to bring back his daughter, Braken Hurter
to life. He tried to make her body out of rags. But it fell to pieces when
it rained. Then he made a body out of bramble twigs. But it caught fire when
it danced on the camp fire.
'Your not very good at this are you' said Cunt Ox after their hundreth
atempt at resurecting her. The Alchemist smiled and picked his nose.
'We'll never get your sweet daughter reborn and send her off to kill Deacon
John' wept Sprite.
'Be quiet the both of you' said the Alchemist. 'I have calculated where we
have gone wrong. And thus have come up with the right solution. How was my
daughter killed?'
'Why she was drawned in a cauldron of soup' said Cunt Ox.
'that's right. So I suggest we make a cauldron of soup. Sing a magical song
that I have composed and she will apear as before. Alive and ready to rock.
Cunt Ox and sprite prepaired the soup then the alchemist sang the magical
song with the other two on backing vocals.
"Soup Child. In the dead of night.
Soup Child . Leafy trees do cry.
Soup Child. Miles around.
Soup Child. Hear the twinkling powderd might.
The birds do fly. Cant you hear them cry."
The soup in the cauldron bubbled and over flowed then out pop some one
naked.
'Hallo Sperm Father' his daughter said cheerily.
'Braken Hurter' cried the Alchemist with joy. 'Its you. You are alive.'
'Yes, I be alive Sperm Father. Have you any soup to eat? I'm famished .'
'Look in the cauldron you have popped out of.'
'Oh there's lots. I shall stand in it and eat. I remember I was killed like
this once.'
'Yes. And do you remember who killed you?'
'It was that dirty Deacon John grrr.'
'Yes my daughter. And now it is time to kill him. But first eat your soup..'
Braken looked at the soup with huge eyes. 'Oh there's a lot of it isn't
there. I'll sup it up into my guts.' She drank with gusto.
'What was it like being dead?' asked Sprite.
'Not all that great. Its like having your tonsils out.'
'What do you mean?'
'All you ever get to eat is ice cream. I like ice cream but its hardly
filling is it. Now piss off I want to fart.'
'Enough of this chit chat' said the Alchemist. 'Come Braken, out of that
soup you get. We have work to do.'
'But I have no clothes Farther.'
'that's never stopped you before. Come we shall begin the painful down fall
of Deacon John.'
The foursome walked to the village where the church of Deacon John stood.
'Remember we must win this day' said the Alchemist. 'Use ultimate violence.'
'Slow violence' said Braken Hurter.
The Alchemist knocked on the church door many times. One of Deacon Johns
guards opened it. He was shocked to see the Alchemist and Braken Hurter
standing there.
'Oh fuck me' he cried. 'it's the alchemist and his daughter. We are doomed.
Deacon John, Deacon John ' he cried as he ran into the church hall as the
four followed him.
'What is this disterbence' said the Deacon. Then he saw the Alchemist ,
sprite and Braken Hurter.
'Ah so you have returned' he said in a low voice. 'With your daughter too.'
'Yes' said the Alchemist. 'And we have come to destroy you and you crap. Our
magic powers are great.' The Alchemist clapped his hands and said 'puffy
duck'. And all of Deacon Johns guards disapeard into thin air.
'I have magic powers of my own' said John taking off his shirt. 'Behold.
Muscles of an elephant.'
His chest and stomoches began to exspand ten times their original size.
'Ha ha ha. I have the strength a hundred men. Try to destroy me now.'
'Quick Cunt Ox. You are the strongest' said the Alchemist. 'Go and give him
a good kicking.'
Cunt Ox ran at the Deacon with a flying kick. But he just bounced off his
chest with out any effect. He got to his feet and punched the deacon in the
guts six times.
'Ahhhh his musles are like bricks. I've broken my hands' cried Cunt Ox.
'Ha ha ha. You puny gypsy man. You are no match for me. Let me kill you.'
Deacon John grabbed Cunt ox and put him between his muscle bound tits and
squeezed him to death.
''You have killed Cunt Ox. He was a great soup maker' said Braken Hurter.'
'Yes and he was my best friend' said Sprite.
'Ah you Sprite. You weakling. I shall crush you with my bottom. Size of a
elephants arse' commanded Deacon . His bum began to exspand till it was ten
times its orignal size. Then he sat on Sprite killing him.
'As you can see. My strength is so great nothing can stop me' said the
Decon.
'I think I know what can' said the Alchemist.
'Whats that?'
'A steam roller.'
'Try it. You will fail" said Deacon John.
The Alchemist clapped his hands and said 'Puff duck'. A steam roller
appeared and ran over Deacon John but with no effect.
'As you can see. My muscles are so strong that even your steam roller cannot
crush me. Now prepair to die' said Deacon John.
'Quick Farther. Hand me my flute' said Braken Hurter. She quickly played a
awful tune on her flute. The music seemed to magicaly effect the Deacons
body.
'Ahh your shit music is making my muscles decrease. I am being flattend by
the steam roller. Curse you pagan bastards.'
Soon the Deacon was crushed. His last words were. "The Lord is my sheperd. I
shall not want. He brings me money, sex and beer....ahhhhgggg.' Then he died.
'Well done braken Hurter' said the alchemist.' Your magic flute has rid us
all of the evil Deacon. Now lets celibrate.'
'Yes father. And we can make some soup out of the crushed remains of Deacon
John.'
'Ho ho ho. That's all you think about isn't it you pain in the arse' laughed
the Alchemist.
And every one lived long and happy.
The End
Sexton Ming