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THE ART SHOW
27 September 1999
ART SHOW
Down in the east end of London things are getting posh. At one time it was full of cockneys and villains. But now its full of trendy artists who do art, eat at trendy resturonts and go to special pubs to be seen with the right crowed. With all these arty people about there has been an increase in new gallerys opening up. Gallerys with such names as 'Art Arse'. A gallery where they just show pictures of arses.
'The Guteral spillige Gallery' that dealt in sculptures of curry, pizzas and other food all regurgitated by famous artists.
I was showing some of my paintings along twelve other artists at a small gallery called 'The Up Your Pipe Gallery'. Mad Sod the Scientist and Randos the Bull were showing work there. And also my good friend Billy Childish. When I arrived to the special opening Billy was being interviewed by the press.
'What are you trying to do with your work Mr Childish?'
'I'm trying to bring back painting instead of all this conceptual art. People like Damien Hurst should have their guts twisted inside out because they are fascists' said Billy.
'You knew Tracy Emin, the artist who's rooting for the Turner Prize.'
'I knew her breasts very well. They were big and bulbus.'
As the evening grew lots of people came far and wide to see the work of us untrendy, smelly and filthy artists. Many men in suits arrived. One came up to me and spoke.
'Hallo. I'm looking for a painting in blue as I am a Conservitive and as you know all us Conservitives have lots of money to waste on ourselves but not on the public.'
'Oh' I said. 'I think you better go. You see the artist Randos the Bull hates Conservitives.'
'Oh yes? And which is his work?'
'itıs the canvases with the brown smears on them' I said.
'I see. I get the impression that he's a right Socialist. You tell this Randos if he wants to fight with me I'll kick him with my brown shoes. My name is Victor Jaguar. MP for Bristol. And I am hard.'
The evening went on. Many bottles of wine were drunk or stolen. Pieces of art were sold for thousands. People talked. "oohhh isn't it academic?" or "Pop art is the antithesis of modern culture with some piss mixed in for good messure."
Mad Sod the Scientist got drunk. He was explaining to an elderly lady with blue rinsed hair what his work was all about.
'Ha ha ha old woman. You see when I have sold all my paintings I will be rich. I will be so rich that I can buy a mutron oscillater. Then I will be able to distroy NATO. Then the world will be mine to rule ha ha ha.'
Suddenly smashing through the plate glass window came Randos the Bull.
'I have arrived' he bellowed. 'I s there any booze left for me?'
'Here you are Randos' said Billy handing him a glass of red wine. Randos drank it down in one gulp then belched.
'So your Randos the Bull' said Victor Jaguar.
'Ugh. You look like a fucking Mormon' said Randos.
'I am Victor Jaguar. MP for Bristol, Conservitive. And I think your art is a disgrace.'
'A Tory eh? I hate Tory's me.'
'Do you want to fight?' asked Victor taking off his blue sports jacket.
'Yeah you bet you cunt.'
The two of them rustled and tussled. Paintings were knocked off the walls and crushed. Wine bottles and glasses were shatterd. The wall partitions were demolished. Even the foundations of the gallery were ruptured. It looked like a bomb had hit the building after the two had finished. Everything was distroyed.
'Had enough?' said Randos.
'No. I have'nt kicked you in the bollocks with my brown shoes yet' said Victor. But before he could Randos squot over him and did a mighty shit and the Tory MP drowned.
'Ok' said Randos pulling himself up. 'I'm going down the pub to drink fifteen pints of beer. Who wants to come and watch?'
'Hurray for Randos' we all cheered.
SEXTON MING
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