ANIMAL ESSENCE
12 November 2002
In a health food shop called Ganolf's Garden, among the organic beans, organic humous and carrots they were selling a new product by a company called "Future Moon".
These products claimed to be the essence and spirits of certain animals. If you burnt this liquid insence the power of the animal would be yours.
For instance "Essence of Geese" would give you a good sense of direction and leadership. "Essence of Cat" would make you independent and inquisitive.
These products by "Future Moon" were selling like hot cakes at seven ponds a tiny bottle. New age women were enthralled especially.
'I must get this bottle of "Elephant Essence." I have a terrible memory. This will help me not to forget to buy Tofu.'
'Thatıs a great idea, Rainbow,' said a woman to the other. 'I'll get this bottle of snake essence. I must be more sexual in bed.'
Meanwhile at the Future Moon company they were having a board meeting.
'We have done research on who buys our product' said Jim Gum the sales research person. 'And we have found it is silly hippy women mostly.'
Everyone in the boardroom laughed.
'Ha ha ha. That will teach them to have an alternative life style' said one.
'Lets screw every penny out of them' said another.
'They donıt realise that its just water mixed with cheap brandy left in a field where certain animals wonder about for half an hour' said Dave Donut, head of product manufacturing. 'We will make them buy this crap so much that they wont be able to feed their children. We hate one parent families donıt we?'
Everyone cheered. 'itıs the way Margret Thatcher would of wanted it.' Then there was silence as Victor Jaguar entered the room. He was the boss.
'I am the boss" he shouted. 'And to make sure you donıt for get thatŝ' Victor Jaguar punched Jim Gum in the face.
'Now' Victor continued. 'I have come up with a new range of animal essence. Essence of Pig for those New Age woman who are anorexic. I will put on my hippy clothes and with a solution of cheap brandy and water I will go to a pig farm.' This is what Victor did.
At the pig farm Victor rested a plastic bucket of the water and brandy in the middle of the pigs sty.
The pigs were curious. 'What's that hippy doing?' asked one.
'I donıt know. Lets ask him.'
Victor explained what he was doing. 'So all you have to do is walk around this bucket for half an hour and the essence of you spirits will infiltrate the liquid. Then my company sells it for seven pounds.'
'We want to see some of that money' said one pig. 'We wont give any of our spirit for nothing.'
'Of course not' laughed Victor. 'I will send you all a check for ten thousand pounds each. It will be in the post tomorrow.'
'Ten thousand Pounds' said one pig excitedly. 'I could buy the most up market sound system for my pig pen.' Months went by and the pigs never saw any checks from the "Future Moon" company.
Meanwhile the company was making millions of profits. They had made more products. Essence of squirrel for people with nut allergies. Essence of garden worm for people who wanted to be good at growing roses. But all these creature were promised huge amounts of money but never saw a penny.
Then one day in the boardroom.
'I, Victor Jaguar have come up with the best selling product yet. Essence of Bull. It is supposed to give the person strength. It is our biggest seller at twenty pounds a bottle.'
'How much did you promise we would pay the Bulls?' asked Dave Doenut.
'One million.'
Everyone laughed. 'They will never see a penny of that.'
And the Bulls didn't. They waited for months but no check came.
'We've been ripped off'' said Galioff to his mate Zerkon.
'Never trust a hippy' said Zerkon.
Other animals like the pigs and geese and garden worms complained too.
'That hippy from the Future Moon company offered us worm ten grand each."
'He is not a hippy' came a voice. The animals turned round.
'Randos!' they exclaimed. It was Randos the Bull.
'I know the man very well. He is not a hippy. He is a Tory called Victor Jaguar. Come we must distroy him and his New Age company.
In the boardroom Victor and his men were smoking cigars, eating caviar and drinking champaine.
'Ha ha ha' laughed Victor . 'We have done a double whammy. Not only have we screwed single parent new age women but also all the animals.'
Suddenly the door flew off its hinges. In walked Randos with all the animals. Victor was horrified.
'Quick' he cried. 'Commit suicide.'
'Why?' asked his men.
'It is Randos the most powerful Bull in the universe. I'm going to jump out of this plate glass window and hopefully impale myself on the railings below' said Victor doing so.
The rest of the company took cianide tablets.
'Hurray for Randos' said all the animals as they helped themselves to the "Future Moon" companys profits.
THE END
SEXTON MING