GERMAN ROCK TOUR
My band (the Tasty ones) and I went To Germany to do a ten day tour. We were met at the airport by Conny Losch, your editor of this news paper. Quickly we ate some pizza and drank beer. Then we went to the first bar we had to play at. The Burger bar in Berlin.
We set up our equipment, sound checked and sat eating hamburgers that were free for the band and also beer.
A small crowed gathered to see us play. We opened the set with a song called "I want to taste your guts".
" I know you have had a bath.
And you smell sweet like a little lamb.
But I know you have eaten curry wurst.
Let me look through you with my xray eyes
And taste your guts.
Mmmm a hundred percent beef."
The crowed loved it. They cheered and frew bottles of Jaygermister at us. Which we drank greedily. I spoke. "if you liked that song ladys and gentlemen you'll love this one. Its called "I own your farts"'. Into the song we went with plenty of fuzz guitar and Iron Maiden type bass.
"You cannot do nothing without my permisson.
I tell you what to say.
Your soul belongs to me.
Your farts belong to me.
Mmmm smells like bad eggs."
We did a hour and a half set much to the apreciation of the audience. But not all liked it. An old friend of Johnnys our guitarist was there. His name was Hansi.
'So John' he said. "It has come to this. Playing shit music to shit people, All you do is drink wine and tea. No more do you take class A drugs.'
'that's where your wrong' said Johnny rolling up his sleeve and tying his belt around his arm and injecting his arm with stuff at the bar.
People were impressed. "You are a real rock star" said a blonde teenage girl.
'Do you know Mick Jagger? I would like to make love to you with a gold fish.'
Lots of people bought my albums and books and they all wanted autograths.
'Hay Sexton. I am a big fan of yours for at least the last three minuits. Can you sighn this long playing gramaphone record to me, Jan?'
'Sure I can you cunt' I said.
'Thank you. Here's a bag of cocaine' he said handing me a plastic see through bag of white powder. You Germans are so generous. I pulled down my trousers and rubbed some coke into my foreskin. My penis instantly became erect and I was able to thrust into my bass player on top of the bar for twelve hours. Everyone was impressed and they called for us to do another song about sex in Hamburg. Luckily I have written a song about sex in Hamburg. So we put on our instroments and played. 'This is a song called "Dirty little town" I anounced.
' I ve been to Paris, I've been to Rome.
But I could find no magizienes with bondage, piss and cum.
I've saled the seven sea's and climbed the ten mountains.
But I could not get some hand releaf ladys and gentlemen.
Hamburg, Hambug is a dirty little town
Its warm and wet and it doesn't make you frown .
Here comes a pimp to sell his whore.
Here is a magizien with two dogs.
Viva Hamburg.
The dirty little town.'
With that we brought the house down. We were given the key to Berlin. The Mayor tatooed our bands name on his butt. Then it was time to go to Connys place to listern to the Rolling Stones and smoke opium.
SEXTON MING