THE HAUNTED RELIANT
01 October 2002
Fredrick Smear was an academically bright man. He had gone to a good school. Reached high grades in his last year. Went on to university and attained a scholership in business studies.
At the age of thirty five he had a nice house, a nice wife and two wonderful children and a good position in his job as an exsecutive for "BIG WORLD PLASTICS". The largest plastics manifactuer on earth.
One day Frederick was standing between the water cooler and the coffee machine of the office. Reading a "What Car To Buy" magizien.
'What's that your reading Fred?' said Jim Slug from the accounts department.
'A car buyers magizine' said Fred. ' I'm thinking of buying a new car.. My Mercades is five years old. I think its time for a change.'
'You want to get the latest Zenith X.83' said Jim. 'It has ten triple over head cams, power stearing, ABS brakes and can reach 0 to 60 in less than five seconds.'
'No donıt get that,' said Andy Puddle joining in the conversation. He was from the design department. 'You want The Astro 2.50 UV. It has rocket carburettors designed by NASA. Crank inhancers, computerised steering wheel. Computerised engine and gear box, computerised suspension and computerised cup holder. It can reach 0 to 60 in three seconds.'
All day every one in the office was advising Frederick what car he should spend his money on.
That evening Fredrick drove hone. Unfortunately the main road he usually took to get to his house was blocked off. He had to take a detour. But taking unknown side streets Frederick soon found himself lost.
'Damn.' he thought to himself. 'Where am I. All I want is to get home and see my wife with a pile of food.'
Just then there was a loud bang from his hood. Smoke billowed out. The Mercades came to a grinding halt.
'Oh what's up now.' said Frederick out loud. The car would not start at all. He looked up the road. There seemed to be a petrol station two hundred yards up the road. It didn't look all that promising. There were no lights on and it looked as if it hadn't had a customer for years. Its decor was old and pealing. The petrol pumps looked from the fifties. Frederick was desperate. 'It looks abandoned. But maybe there's some one there who can help me,' he thought. So he pushed his Mecades up the road to the Petrol station.
The garage was completely derelict. Frederick knocked on the wooden door whose paint was peeling off.
'Hallo. Is any one there,' said Frederick hopefuly. There was silence. Frederick knocked again. Slowly the door creaked open. There before Frederick stood an old man. His face was wrinkled with age. He had a long white beard. He was dressed in a long red robe with a hood that covered his eyes and in his right hand he held a wand that depicted the Goddess Isis.
'I am Tookan. The Saint of all automobiles,' the old man said in a deep benevolent voice.
'youıre an old hippy,' said Frederick angrily. "Fix my car at once. For I work for a powerful business company. And that makes me more important than you or your new age wisdom.'
'The beginning of wisdom is to say "I donıt know"' said the old man.
'Shut your hippy shit and look at my car.'
The old man looked under the hood of Fredericks Mercades and shook his head.
'All your pistons have blown up' was the old mans conclusion.
'I do need a new car now,' said Frederick out loud, scratching his head.
'You need a new car?' asked the old man.
'Of course,' replied Frederick at such a silly question.
'Then come with me,' said the old man. 'I have such a car that will make your dreams come true.' The old man led Frederick around the back of the petrol station to a garage.
'It is not a new car,' continued the old man. 'It is not straight off the production line. But is magical.'
The old man took the padlock of the garage doors and swung them open.
'Behold.' he said with pride. 'A genuine 1959 Reliant Reagal,'
'itıs a three wheeler,' Frederick said in distain. And he was right. It had two wheels at the back and one wheel at the front. It was tiny and made of fiberglass.
'Aaahh' said the old man with a knowing tone in his voice. 'This is no ordinary three wheel car. This is a magic car.. This car can be any car you wish. All you have to do is close your eyes and imagine a car you desire. And The Reliant will change into that car. Come. Close your eyes and imagine the car of your dreams.'
'Hippy shit nonsence' protested Frederick.
'Come on' said the old man. 'What have you got to loose?'
Frederick sighed and reluctantly closed his eyes. He thought of a big expensive red Ferarri, top model.
'Open your eyes,' whisperd the old man. Frederick did. Before him stood a gleaming bright red Ferrari. Sleek, sporty.
'My God' exclaimed Frederick. 'What happened to the three wheeker?'
'The Ferarri is the three wheeler' said the old man. "it is a magic car. It can be any car you wish.'
'Can I take it for a test drive?'
'Sure.'
Frederick drove the red Ferarri that was really a three wheel Reliant Reagal. It sounded like a Ferari. It acselerated like a Ferrari and it even smelt like a Ferrari.
'This is great' thought Frederick. 'If I can imagine any car I want this car to be I can do lots of things. If I want to go off road I can imagine this car to be a Land Rover. If I want to take the kids on holiday I can imagine this car to be a people carrier with lots of space for luggage. I can imagine it to be a ten foot truck if I want to. And It will become it. I can have any car I want. A classic American 1954 Studerbacker, A Rolls Royce Silver Shadow, a Williams formula one racing car.'
Frederick tradeed in his broken Mercedes for the magical three wheel Reliant. The old man said he would use the Mercedes to make a statue of Isis. Frederick couldn't care less.
The next day Frederick pulled up into the parking lot reserved for employees of BIG WORLD PLASTICS. He strutted into the office with an air of self smugness and satisfaction.
'Hey Fred' said Jim Slug. 'Your looking pleased with your self. Whats Up?'
'I got a new car ' said Frederick arrogantly.
'Yeah? What did you get? The Zenith ? Or the Astro 2.50 UV?'
'No I got a Ferrari 20 . 8HI,'
'Oh my God' said Jim aghast. 'You got a Ferrari?'
Every one in the office over heard this. They came up to Frederick asking questions. How much did it cost? How was its performance, etc etc. Then Jim said "Can we see it?'
'Sure" said Frederick. "Its in the parking lot. You can see it from our window,'
Every one in the office rushed over to the window with excitement. But they soon became bemused.
'Where is it?' said Jim. I cant see it.'
'Its down there' said Frederick.
'All I can see is a load of Toyota's and Fords.'
'Its parked next to the black Jaguar,' said Frederick.
Everyone gasped in disbelief .' Itıs a three wheeler Fed.' Said Jim.
'No itıs a red Ferrari" said Frederick.
'It's an old three wheeler Fred. You bought an old three wheeler' said Jim with disbelief.
'Its not just a three wheeler,' exsplainend Frederick. 'It can change into any car I want. Today itıs a Ferrari.'
The whole office burst into spiteful laughter. "Fred's got a three wheeler," they chanted like children in the playground. Mocking him. Ridiculing him. "Four wheels good. Three wheels bad.' They chanted over and over again. Frederick felt small, ashamed and unwanted. Things got worse later that day. He was called into the bosses office.
'I hear you have bought a three wheeled car Smear?' said the boss sternly. 'Our individual appearance to our customers at BIG WORLD PLASTICS is paramount. Your pathetic little car gives a sign to our competitors that we are week and not a threat. That we are powerless in the world of commerce. You no longer work for us. You are out of a job. Do not come back.'
Frederick, head bowed and almost sobbing with shame walked out of the office amongst chants of "Four wheels good, three wheels bad" from his colleagues.
He drove home. When his wife saw the car she was furious.
'Your supposed to be a high powered executive with a high powered job. What is the meaning of trading in our Mercedes for a old, tiny three wheeled car?'
'itıs a magic car" explained Frederick. 'It can be any car you wish it to be.'
'You have lost your mind,' said his wife. "Iım taking me and the kids to my Mothers and I'm filing for divorce.'
With his family leaving him and with no job to earn money Frederick soon lost his house and was out on the street. All he had was his three wheel car. He became bitterly depressed and decided to take his life. He drove into the country and found a dirt road surrounded by trees and bushes.
'No one can see what I am about to do here,' he thought. And with a length of rope he hung himself in the car.
But that was not quite the end of Frederick. The car was magic. It absorbed Freds dying spirit into the very fabric the car was made of. Frederick became the three wheeled car.
The car and him were one. And the car said to him. "Now is the time of revenge. Kill those who laughed at us. For the meek shall drive on three wheels not four and shall enter the kingdom of Heaven.'
The next day at the BIG WORLD PLASTICS office Jim Slug locked his car and strolled across the car park. Suddenly jumping over a hedge with a mighty raw bounded the haunted three wheel car. Its radiator grill turned into gnashing teeth that gobbled Jim up.
But before his lungs were filed with blood and before he was totally consumed Jim asked the question "Why are you doing this to me?'
The Reliant replied "because youıre a self assured cunt. And nothing matters to you. Except yourself, your money, and the fashion you follow.'
Next the haunted three wheeler dynamited the whole office block of BIG WORLD PLASTICS. BOOMM!
The funny, laughable car that everyone ridiculed Frederick for drove to the old man's petrol station. It beeped its horn. The old man with his robe and wand of Isis stepped out.
'Welcome back my magical car,' he said. 'I have seen what you have done. You are my instrument to stop global capitalism. You and I will cure the human race of its insanity. Next stop America.' The old man hugged the small three wheeled car. It in return licked his face.
THE END
SEXTON MING