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NEW
YEAR
There is a special time of year where life ends and
is reborn. It is called New Year. To animals, fish
and insects and certain tribes in the rain forest
it means nothing to them, just another day. But to
the city dweller it is a time to reflect on the
past and to look anew to the future.
Like Jimmy
Nuggit a writer of nappy fetish storys who one day
in 1998 found a new agent. She sounded sexy and
husky over the phone. But he was terribly
disapointed when he met her in the flesh. She was a
giant earth worm. What effect did this have on him?
He masterbated while throwing himself through a
plate glass window. Not a good year for Jimmy
Nuggit then.
Others
have had a good year. Like Trixie Hatchet. She
found her future husband under a bush at the bottom
of her garden eating roast chiken. 'Who are you?'
she asked timidly. 'I am your future husband' the
man replied. 'Marry me and I will fill all your
handbags full of greasy chicken.' It was love at
once.
Everyone
in the city looks forward to new year. It is an
excuse to party hard.They buy gallons of beer,
vodka, brandy from the hyper markets of Calais and
ship it over to England. They buy pizzas, sausages
and cheese to soak up the booze.
Some
celibrate in the fountain of Trafalger Square
where, after much consumption of alchohal they
drown and die, making room for another to be born
on new years day.
But lets
take a look at one individual as he celebraits new
year. Lets take Tom Flange. With his house still
decorated with Christmass lights, cards, tinsel and
of course the good old Christmass tree he welcomes
his guests. The first to arrive is a violent
Scotsman from Glasgow. 'I want a fucking drink' he
demands. 'Give me a drink now or I'll bash your
balls.' Tom shows him to the kitchen where the
drinks are lined up. The Scotsman downs two bottles
of Pernod and suckles on a bowl of peanuts. More
guests arrive. Mr Bucket the cripple. He is tired
of life so he finds a quiet corner and kills
himself discreetly. So discreetly in fact that no
one notices. Two lesbians with strap on dildos
called Maggie and Matilder turn up. They grab a
bottle of Absolute vodka and run into the bath room
to make love while the Scotsman throws up next to
them.
While the
stereo system blasts hits of the 80's people talk.
'What are your plans for new year?' one man asks a
pretty woman. 'I plan to rule the world with my
piss' she says hitching up her skirt and firing a
jet of urine at him. It hits him in the stomoch.
The water pressure is so great that it knocks him
throgh a plate glass window.
By the
time midnight comes every one is well drunk and
happy. Beer stains the carpet. Pizza smears the
walls. They gather round to sing and to hug and
kiss. Then on the stroke of midnight they raise a
toast to the new year. But unkown to them in outa
space a huge meterorite a hundred miles wide is
heading for the Earth to kill them all. Happy New
Year.
Sexton
Ming
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