STEROID MUTANT
24 September 2002
Randos the Bull was thinking one day.
'I haven't had a holiday in quite awhile' he thought. 'The last time was three years ago. And that was just two weeks in a cement factory on an inflatable lilo. I would like to go some where like Germany. But I donıt want to stay in one place. I want to see the whole country. I'll go on a back packing holiday, thatıs what I'll do. But I've never been on a back packing holiday. I'm sure there's a lot to it. I should find some one who is exsperienced to travel with.'
Randos put an ad in the local papers.
"Fully qualified bull in his late 30's. Likes to fight. Would like to meet some one to go on a back packing holiday to Germany."
After a few days Randos received quite a few emails from people interested. But not all sounded promising.
"Hi my name is Bobbie. I want to be the first man to wear pink knickers through out Germany. I can't walk so your have to carry my ruck sack."
But Randos found one email that sounded promising.
"My name is Chet Iron. I am very interested in your idear to back pack to Germany. Germany will be just practis to me. I have traveled around the world. I have wrestled with crocodiles and broken the necks of Tigers. I am super fit. I am Adonis."
'Hmm' thought Randos. 'This guy sounds as if he's full of himself. But at the same time he sounds very exsperienced.'
Randos contacted Chet and they met up for a drink.
'I think your idear of traveling around Germany is great Randos,' said Chet. 'But I'm a bit concerned about your age and waight.'
'What do you mean?' said Randos.
'To back pack you have to be young. Old people can't take the pressure. And they are funny to look at. Look at me. I am young and will always be young.'
'That is impossible. We age by every second.'
'Not any more,' said Chet. 'I've bought a gadget that stops ageing. It was invented by a scientist called Sod.
'Not Mad Sod the Scientists?' laughed Randos. 'His inventions never work.'
'Then there is the question of your flabbyness.'
'What do you mean flabbyness?' said Randos getting angry. 'I have tons of muscles.'
'Yes you are well built but your muscles are not well defined.'
Randos snorted in anger but kept his cool.
'Mine are crystal clear.' Said Chet ripping his T shirt off to reveal his muscley torso.
'Each muscle on my unique body is in its proper place. I keep in shape by working out every day at the gymn. And also by taking these' Chet rattled a bottle of pills in Randos'es face.
'Steroids.' said Chet proudly. 'They help to keep my muscles perfect like me.'
'I keep my body in shape by hard work and swet' said Randos. 'Digging up roads. Delivering fridges on my back and bending iron girders with my guts.'
'That is so old fashiond Randos,' laughed Chet. 'That is a forties generation mentality. See, you are too old to go back packing. But with me by your side I will help you get through some how.'
Randos was ready to punch Chets lights out. But he thought'No. I donıt know much about back packing. But the streak off piss for a human does. I must be tolerent.'
A week later Chet and Randos were at the airport checking in their luggage. Randos checked in his ruck sack which contained his lucky anvil. Chet pretended not to be impressed.
'Huh. On many a back packing trip I have carried a ton of solid cement.'
The airline they travled on was a German airline called "Spraken Berlina".
'Oh Randos,' complained Chet. 'You could have booked an English airline.'
'Why?' asked Randos. 'We're going to Germany so what better way to fly than by a German airline?'
'The Germans can't fly properly,' said Chet patronisingly. 'Only the English know how to fly properly. Thatıs why we won the war. And also I'll bet they will serve us bratwurst. Which is bad for my perfect digestion.'
'I love sosiges , me' said Randos. Chet rolled his eyes and sighed.
After a short bus ride they came to their first hostle. It was painted green.
'Huh' said Chet. 'Look at the colour of this place.'
'What's wrong with it?' asked Randos. 'Green's nice. It's relaxing.'
'In England hostals are painted red. The colour of heavy metal. I donıt know if you are familier with heavy metal. Its what young people listern to. It is muscle bound and aggressive like me.'
'Ha ha ha. You aggressive? Donıt make me laugh, you cunt fucker' said Randos.
'I'll show you how aggressive I can be' said Chet.
Chet went up to a girl back packer and punched her on the knee.
'Ooohh' went the girl, thinking it a come on. Randos thought 'What a tosser.'
'See' said Chet. 'That was pure agression. Now lets go to the bar.'
'Good' thought Randos. 'Get some serious drinking in.'
In the bar there were many young back packers sitting drinking their beer and chatting. Austrailians, Canadions, many from different countrys around the globe.
'I'll have six letres of beer for me" said Randos to the bar maid. 'And the same for him.
'Oh no Randos' protested Chet. 'German beer is not as good as English beer. Thatıs why we won the war. I'll just have a glass of mineral water in which to take my steroid pills by.'
Randos and Chet found two empty wooden chairs in which to sit on.
'The Germans donıt know how to make chairs' said Chet. 'In England we would have plastic chairs. And I hope this hostal donıt have soft matreses . I like to sleep on a bed of glass. Because I'm so hard.'
Randos quietly supped his beer. "this guy is really getting on my nerves. I donıt know how long my patience will last. I might have to kill him slowly.'
The night went on. Randos began on his fourth litre of beer.
'thatıs your trouble Randos' said Chet. 'You drink too much.'
'Oh yeah?' said Randos raising his voice.
'Yes. Thatıs why your muscles are so flabby.'
Randos lost his cool. 'I have more power in my muscles than yours, you steroid mutant.'
'Ho ho ho. I could kill a man with one punch' boasted Chet. 'Didn't you see how I knocked that back packing girl out?'
'Hitting girls is for poofs. Try and punch me out.'
Chet swung his fist into Randos'es gut. Nothing happened.
Chet laughed nervously. I was being gentle with you. Now I shall hit you hard. Sending your intestings through your arse.' Chet struck hard. The force broke his fist.
'Aaagghh my hand is broken' he cried in pain.
'And so is this' said Randos swinging his fist into Chets jaw.
'Aaaggghh' he cried again. 'You have broken my jaw clean off my face. Your punch is like a sledge hammer.'
'thatıs because I work out with sledge hammers.' Said Randos hitting Chet till he was unconcious.
'Hurray for Randos' said the back packers. In the bar was the Mayor of Berlin. He came over and shook Randos by the hand.
'Thank you Randos' he said. 'For teaching that anoying little English shit a lession. You have the freedom of all Berlin. And I will make sure that no one in this town takes steroids again. Currywurst for everyone.'
'Hurray' said Randos. 'I love sosiges, me.'
THE END
Sexton Ming