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Marriage and Fitness
15 July 1999
In London there is a high percentage of marriages breaking up. This
could be due to high trafficfumes or tourists breathing in the West
End.
This is a story of a friend of mine who after ten years of married
bliss his wife decided to leave him.
In the Baxter-Crone household all is dark. Jim Baxter-Crone sits in
the kitchen eating the remainder of his ham and mushroom pizza and
Madras curry.
In comes Mildred Baxter-Crone dressed in a black leotard and high
heels with lots of make-up on her face and smelling of perfume.
"Where are you going dressed like that?" asks Jim.
"Never you mind," says Mildred.
"Tell me or I'll have a tantrum."
"If you must know I'm going to fornicate with my new lover, Clint
Ostrich."
"So you're seeing another man", gasped Jim.
"Why have you forsaken our love?"
"Because Clint is a stronger man than you. He gives me muscles."
"So can I."
"No, you can't. You're fat. All you do all day is eat junk food and
drink beer. You can't lift me up with your dick anymore. You are
squelchy. Clint is fit and handsome."
"Well go and see your muscular Clint then," snarled Jim. "I'm going
down the pub with my mates."
Down the pub Jim sat with his two mates Thomas and Trevor.
"What's wrong with you, you fucking cunt?" said Trevor.
"It's my wife," moaned Jim. "She's seeing another man. Our marriage
is over."
"Bloody hell," exclaimed Thomas, "You must be very sad. Have two
pints of beer at once."
"What has this man got that you haven't got?" asked Trevor.
"He's got muscles and he can lift my wife up by his dick."
"Can't you do that?" said Thomas.
"No I'm too fat. My wife likes lean machines."
"I have a solution," said Thomas. "Go down to the gym and work out.
Your fat will soon turn into muscles. Then you can show your wife the
body of a Greek God. Then she will love you again and forget about
this other man."
"That's a great idea," said Jim brightly.
"I'll go down there tomorrow. But first let's drink ten pints of
strong ale and have four packets of cheese and onion crisps each."
The next day Jim went down the local gym. It was galled "Strong
Bastards". He was met by a six foot beefy man with a loud booming
voice.
"Hi, I'm Mr. Buggery. Most people call me 'Sir'. I am the instructor.
What can I do for you, you fat cunt?"
"I'd like to turn my bulbous body into a brick wall of muscles." said
Jim. "Ok. Lift these 100 ton weights up with your nipples."
Jim strained and heaved. "Ugh they are heavy."
"Come on you sack of shit. Lift them up. Faster, faster. Or I'll kick
your head in."
After four hours Jim had lifted weights up by his nipples, toes and
teeth. He was exhausted. But he was determined to go to the gym
and work out every day. This is what he did. And after six weeks he
could lift an elephant in one hand and a hippopotamus in the other.
"You now have the body of a brick shit house," said Mr. Buggery.
"Your muscles are something to be proud of."
"Thanks for all your
help" said Jim.
"Fuck off," said Mr. Buggery.
Jim went home. His wife Mildred was out. He quickly went into the
bathroom and disrobed. His muscles were big and plump. He got a
bottle of baby oil and splashed it all over himself. He glistened.
"This will make her think twice about having sex with other men", he
thought.
His wife came home. Down the stairs Jim bounded. He stood before his
wife all naked and oily. "Look at me," he said.
Mildred looked and licked her lips.
"You have developed muscles, greasy muscles," she said. "Can you lift
me up by your dick?"
"I sure can," said Jim flexing.
"Good. Then our marriage is saved. I will get rid of Clint and live
with you for the rest of my life."
And so Jim and Mildred lived happily ever after in London.
SEXTON MING
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