THE LEG THEFT MYSTERIES
03 January 2001
Mildred Mucky gave a great performance at the Othello Theater that night. She was one of Germany's top ballet dancers. She swung her body around, jumped high and kicked the male ballet dancers in the balls really hard.
In her dressing room she received flowers and every one congratulated her on her performance.
'Oh darling you were wounderful tonight.'
'The way you use your muscles to convay art is out standing.'
'Yes I know' she said. 'I'm not one of the world's greatest ballet dancers for nothing. I use my legs to make the world worship me. Worship me now you fools' She said slapping her legs.
'Oh we do worship you' said the gagling admirers.
'Come Mildred' said her personal manager, Mr Brick Face. 'Back to the hotel with you. I want you to get an early night. We have rehersals in the morning. And another performance in the evening.'
In her hotel room Mildred looked at herself in the mirror before going to bed.
"I performed well tonight. I will kick those male ballet dancers balls higher tomorrow.' She thought as she got into bed.
The next morning her manager came into her room to wake her up.
'Time to get up Mildred and have some breakfast and a cold shower.'
Mildred pulled back her bed clothes only to scream in astonishment. 'Aaahhggg. Where have my lovely legs gone?'
'What do you mean?' said Mr Brick Face. His face dropped when he saw.
'You have two green pipe cleaners instead of legs.'
'I've been robbed. Some one has stolen my legs. Call the police.'
The Police were called. Detective Fire Arm was soon on the scene.
'We have found no evidence of a break in' he said lighting a cigerette and tilting his Trilby hat. But we have found traces of slime and earth around the bed. With this evidence I'm sure we will find the culprit soon. And we will kill him or her.'
'How soon will you find Mildreds legs?' said Mr Brick Face. 'She needs her legs for tonight's show.'
'I hate you queer types,' said Detective Fire Arm.
Chet Tendon was a top athlete. He had just run ten thousand miles in under just two miniets .
'I am the geatest athlete the world has ever seen,' he thought to himself. 'Thanks to these legs I have nurished and kept fit' .
'Well done, Chet.' Said his Trainer. 'I pity those people who are not like you.'
'Yes' said Chet. 'I perticuly despise the fat ones. Now if you excuse me I'm going to take a shower.'
'Good idear Chet. Freshen up befor the land speed race.'
Chet rubbed soap up and down his body. He loved hot showers. He could relax and let his mind wonder. He was so far away he did not notice at first some one or something crawl up his musculer back and ...BANG! Hit him on the back of his head with a house brick. Chet was out cold.
A little while later there came a cry of sadness. From the shower room. So terrible that Chet's Trainer came rushing in.
'What is it Chet' . The trainer found Chet slumped in the shower. Where his legs should be were two oringe pipe cleaners.
'Some ones stolen my legs' sobbed Chet.
'donıt panic Chet' panicked the Trainer. "I'll call the police. The thieves can't be far.
Detective Fire Arm was soon on the scene .
'Did you get a good look at them?' he asked Chet.
'No I had my back to them as I was showering.'
'You pig dog,' snarled the detective.
'Sir, I've found something,' said a policeman. 'A trail of slime that leads up to the shower.'
'Yes' said Detective Fire Arm. 'And there are traces of soil too. Just like at the ballerinia's hotel room.. It's beginning to make a pattern.'
'What kind of pattern Sir?'
'A nice pattern. I beleave we are looking for a man who dribbles a lot and is a keen gardener. Arrest any one who's wearing garden boots.'
Many weeks went by. And every day there was an incident of some one getting their legs stolen. Every time their legs were taken and put in place were brightly coloured pipe cleaners. And every time a trail of slime with particals of soil.
One day Detective Fire Arm got a call that an old lady had been knocked down in the street and had her legs stolen. He was on the scene in a flash.
'How am I to do my shopping with these' indicated the old lady to her pipe cleaner legs.
'Shut it. You old cow" said the Detective with gritted teeth. 'You see, not only am I homophobic. But I am agest, sexist, and facist too.'
'Today's police force are wounderful' said the old lady.
Suddenly Detective Fire Arm noticed the usual trail of slime. It ran down into a basement of a derilict shop that the old lady had been knocked down by.
'I have a hunch' thought the Detective. 'I got a feeling that the villan is still in that basement. And I'm going to go down there and bust his balls.'
Detective Fire Arm broke into the basement. Inside it was dark and full of dust. He saw the trail of slime. It led all the way to the far wall where a old boarded up fire place sat in the wall.
'So that bastards hiding inside that fire place. I will kill him.' The Detective pulled out his gun and aimed it at the fire place. 'Come out with your hands up' he said firing all six of his bullets into the fire place. 'Ha ha ha. He must be dead' said the Detective as he tore away the hole ridden board covering the fire place.
Suddenly hundreds of worms come wriggling out.
'Worms!' exclaimed Detective Fire Arm in surprise.
'thatıs right" said the Worms. More worms came rushing out. This time on humans legs. Each worm had six human legs attached to their bodys.
'That explains the slime and bits of soil every where' said the Detective in realisation.
'Yes' said the worms with the legs . 'We are tired of slivering around in slime. And we are so slow when we move. We are easy prey for birds. We thought we'd steal some human legs so we could walk faster.'
'Your going to have to give those legs back or die' said the Detective.
'Not so fast' said a large voice from the back of the room. The Detective spun round. It was Randos the Bull.
'Randos the Bull!' every one gasped.
'You cannot kill and take away these worms legs' said Randos. 'Worms are more important than people. They turn the soil thus helping oxigen breath in the earth. With out them we would not have any crops or pretty flowers.'
'I love flowers, me' said the Detective. 'Your right Randos. Let the worms steel as many legs as they like.'
'Hurray for Randos' cheered the worms.
THE END
SEXTON MING