THE LOST JAEGERMISTER MINE
28 September 2000
After eating ten packets of salt and viniger crisps little Kirsty was very, very thirsty.
'Mum' she cried. 'Have you got anything to drink. I'm realy thirsty.'
'No' said her mother. 'Theres no drink in the house.'
'What about a glass of water?'
'The well is dry. There's no water for any of us.'
'Haven't you any milk in your breasts I could suck?'
'Wash your mouth out with soap child. Anyway my tits dried up years ago. I'm afraid there is no lickquids for any of us. And we will all die of dehydration. You must go out into the big world and find water or some substitute for us before we die. Now go.'
The mother pushed her young daughter out the front door and slamed it behind her.
So out into the cold frosty morning did Kirsty go. She walked over hills and mountains to find water or some kind of substitute. She walked past a field where a cow lay chewing grass.
'Hallo Mrs Cow' said Kirsty pleasntly . 'Could I please have a drink of your milk?'
'You'll have to fight me for it first' said the cow. 'No one gets milk from me with out a good punch up. I've killed men with my bare hands I have.'
Kirsty did not stop to argue with the cow. She thought it was more than she could handle. So on she walked. For miles and miles she walked again. There was no water or drink to be seen any where. Till she saw on a grassy knoll, the kind where the gun was fired that shot Kennedy, she saw a big, big old tree. It was bare. No fruit or leaves . They had disapeared years ago. The tree was long dead. There was a huge hole in its trunk. And a wooden sighn nailed above the hole that said "MINE".
'Hmm' thought Kirsty. 'Mines go under ground. And under ground some times there is water.'
She stepped into the tree. Spiral stone steps greated her. They wound down miles under the ground. Then they stopped and before her was a huge cave, dark and musty. But in the gloom she saw some thing sparkle. It was a bottle, dark green with a black liquid inside. She looked at the lable. It said "Jaegermister".
'I'm so thirsy I could die of starvation' said Kirsty cracking open the bottle and gulping down the drink. Kirsty sighed with releaf and wiped the dribbles from her chin.
'Ahhh. That's so good.' Then as her eyes got use to the light she realised she was surrounded by hundreds and thousands of Jeagermister bottles. But before she could open another one she saw two figers sliver towards her. They were two women with naked breasts and long fishy tails, green and scaly. They were mermaids and they were carrying base ball bats.
'Who dares to enter the sacred Jaegermister mine?' shouted one angrily.
'We'll bash your face in' said the other.
'I'm sorry to disterb you' said Kirsty. 'And I'm sorry I drank a bottle of your booze. But I was so thirsty you wouldn't beleave it.'
The mermaids seeing it was just a little girl put down their base ball bats.
'We are soory that we may of frightend you little girl. We are mermades and we protect this mine of drink. I am Mable. And this is Mip.'
'Yeah' said Mip.
'My name is Kirsty. I have travled many miles for water. Is it possible to drink another bottle of your Jaegermister for I am still thirsty?'
'You can have as many bottles as you want' said Mable. 'But we must ask you a favour first. You see we are plagued by a evil monster. He likes fishy things to eat. We being mermaids he likes to eat our tails. There was a third mermaid here called Mushy but she was half eaten alive. The monster only left her tits. If you can help us distroy the evil tyrent we'll give you all the bottles you want. But be warned the monster is big, strong and ugly. He has wide jaws with sharp pointed teeth and claws like razor blades.'
'Yes, and here he comes now' screamed Mip.
Kirsty held her breath in fright as a dark shadow of something huge on four legs cast its self against the far wall.
Then it appeared. A little white and tabby cat. It meewooed and purred. Kirsty was releaved and fell in love with the cat straight away.
'Kill it. Kill it' screamed the mermaids.
'No.'said Kirsty. 'Its only a little cat that has got lost.'
'What's a cat?' said Mip.
'I'll take the cat home with me so it wont bother you any more.' Said Kirsty.
'You'll take that monster home with you?' said Mable. 'Well you"ve got guts. Here. Take as much Jaegermister as you want.'
Kirsty ran home happy. She had bags of bottles of Jaegermister to give to her pairents. And what made her happy most of all was her new pet, the white and tabby cat.
Kirsty's mother and farther drank and drank.
'ahhh that's good stuff' they sighed.
'Mum' said Kirsty . "have you any milk in your breasts for my cat?'
'Wash your mouth out with soap child. Anyway I dried up years ago.'
SEXTON MING