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New House
10 August 1999
The other day I got the keys to my new house. I had been living above a dry
cleaners on a street called Bastard street with an irate homosexual before.
I waited two years for my new place and now I got it.
'Heres the keys to your new house' said the Council. 'Your lucky. We were
going to give it to a one armed lesbian midget. But she had short hair. So
we thought we'd give it to you.'
The house or should I say flat was in a block on the third floor. Its
location was Arsenal in London . Only fifty yards from Arsenal football
ground. I spent two weeks decorating it then one Saturday I moved in.
'This is the life' I said to myself as I cooked some eggs, sosiges and
chips. I could here the spontainious roar of the crowed at the football
stadium two blocks away. Then came a knock on my door. 'Who could that be?'
I thought. ' Maybe itís the Landlord who wants his money already.' I opened
the door. Standing before me was a wild looking man in his fiftys wearing a
long white laboratory coat. He wore ultra thick lensed black glasses and
his hair was unbrushed through weeks of not combing.
'Hallo' he said. 'I am you next door neibour. Welcome to this hovel that I
hate.'
'Why do you hate it?' I asked.
'Listern to that noise.' The football crowed roared once more. 'Every
Saturday the scum come to watch football, then when they finish they piss on
my potted plants. But let me introduce myself. I am Jack Bioblatt a
scientist. Most people call me Mad Sod the Scientist. That's because all my
inventions are way beyond comprehension. Why not come next door and see
some.'
'Ok' I said munching my sosige sandwich. We stepped next door. Mad Sod the
Scientist pulled out a large bunch of keys and proceeded to unlock twenty
one locks.
'Security is everything when you're a scientist' he said. 'My inventions
are too valueble to be stolen.'
Into his house we went. There were strange chemical smells every where. In
his hall way lay what looked like a jet engine. 'That was an invention for
jet powerd rollerskates. I made it when I was twelve. I put the engine on my
sisters roller skate and she ran into a brick wall at the speed of mack
three. She did not servive but the engine did. Would you like some ice
cream? I could show you another invention of mine.' He said going into his
kitchen and holding a large cylinder thing that looked like a blender,
'This is one of my great inventions. Its called the shit ice cream maker.
You have a shit in the top here then it slides down to the middle where
chemical substances react then from the bottom out comes pure ice cream.
Want some?'
'No thanks' I said.
'Then let me show you my latest invention' said Mad Sod walking into his
living room where hundreds of electrical equipment and thousands of test
tubes with different coloured lickquids lay.
'For years I have lived by the Arsenal football ground' he explained. 'And
I've hated all the cheering, the ranting and the pissing that goes on. I
hate football me. So today with my ray gun I shall stop it.' He said
pointing to a converted saterlight dish by his window. 'This ray gun is
pointed directly to the Arsenal football ground. Switch on the telly.'
I did as he said. On the screen came Arsenal football team battleing away
with some other football team.
'Watch' said Mad Sod the Scientist. 'As I switch on the ray gun.' This he
did. There was a grinding, whirling noise, sparks flew about. I watched the
TV. Before my eyes the football players turned into triffal and strawberry
jelly. The crowed invaded the pitch and ate them up.
'Ha ha ha no more football. Success ' cried Mad sod.
'You will be able to rule the world with this contraption Mad Sod' I said.
'Yes I will turn world leaders into sweet meats. Then I will eat them..'
'You are a good man' I said.
'Thank you' said Mad Sod making some ice cream.
SEXTON MING
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