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DEEP FRIED HAGGIS
26 August 1999
Yesterday or the day before I took a trip up to Edinbourough, Scotland to see the festival there. There was lots of art and actors and plays. Such as "Killy Cat" the cat who took Charles Manson to prison, starring Fuck Face O'niel. Or "The lesbian life of Virginia Woolf" starring Emma Thomson as Virginias knickers.
As soon as I got off the train I was met by an elderly Scottsman in a kilt holding a can of special brew and puking regulerly .
'Aye you cunt' he said. ' Youčre a soft shit from the south. Give us ten pence for a cup of tea or I'll bash your face in.'
I gave him ten pence then kicked him in the nuts then retreaved my ten pence. Soon my friend arrived to great me. His name was John and he liked to drink and play with dogs.
'Hollo there' he said.
'Hi John.'
'Its seven o' clock in the evening. This gives us time to eat some food and do some drinking, then maybe we could see an arty play but maybe not. They're all crap and full of poofs anyway. Theres no room for a gay community in Scotland. Come, I' ll take you to a fish and chip shop and we can have a haggis supper.'
I have eaten lots of things in my life such as ham burgers, kebabs, Philly cheese stake and bratwurst but never befor a haggis. I was excited. We went to a fish and chip bar called Smelly snacks. Inside the walls were dripping with grease and cooking fat. It smelt like a Russian shot puts armpit. The man behind the counter swetted as he ate raw kidneys.
'Hoots mon' he said which is Scotish for hallo. 'What would you like to eat you cunts?'
'Give us two haggis suppers and chips' said john.
The chef produced two square lumps of mashed up meat in a thin skin, mixed it in batter then deep fried them.
'Whats Haggis made of?' I asked.
'Oohhh yer beastie' the chef said. 'Its got all the stuff that no one likes to eat. Like guts, foreskins and balls of a pig, cow or horse. All mixed up with special herbs and urine. A tasty treat for us Scotish bastards.'
John and meate our greasy haggis suppers with gusto. It was good to feel the hot, oily mashed entrails slither into our entrails. Then It was time for the pub. We walked along the street. We passed a performance artist from Amsterdam painted in silver getting a beer bottle in his face by one of the locals.
'Take that you soft Tory shite' the Scotsman said.
'Here we are' said john outside a pub called "the leg of mutton."
'Tonight is quiz night. You can win a set of bagpipes and a hundred pounds. Lets go in and drink fifteen pints of beer.'
We went in, ordered some pints and sat down just in time to catch the beginning of the quiz. The Quiz master was a man called Brian McThirsty . He started the Quiz.
'Hallo there, Are you all ready to play tonights quiz? Good then I'll give you the first question. Write the answer on your pieces of paper. Heres the first question. Who is famouse? Second question . What is the planet Earth called? Who in this room is gay?'
This went on for fifteen minuits till all the questions had been read out. Then every one handed in their pieces of paper to McThirsty who added them up.
'Ahhh' he said. 'Its seems we have two winners here. Maggie and Tim. To decide the winner both Maggie and Tim will have to fist me up the arse. And the one who fists me the hardest will be the winner.'
Maggie and Tim both put on yellow rubber gloves and proceeded to work their fists up McThirstys bum. He loved it. Maggie won because of her long finger nails. She received a set of Bagpipes and a hundred pounds. Then every body drunk another fifteen pints and staggerd home. What a good night that was at the Edinbough festival.
SEXTON MING
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