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GREASY FOOD
10 February 2000
The other night a friend called Neil and I stayed up late drinking. We stayed up till the early hours of the morning. We drank two gallons of beer and three bottles of wine and one bottle of whisky. We talked about things in life.
'I wonder if there is life on other planets? ' said Neil.
'Yes and what do they drink?' I said.
'I know a planet where they get drunk every second of the day.'
'What is this planet called?' I asked.
'Its called "Alfa Roman Gladiator". There their kitchen sinks taps pour out pure vodka. Washing machines slosh fizzy larger around. Garden hose pipes spill claret and dogs piss neat shnapps.'
'Lovely' I said licking my lips.
'And not only that' continued Neil. 'Every one has a swimming pool filled with Madras curry and their bathing towels are made of naan bread. Eggs taste of chickens and chickens taste of eggs. Trees taste of Belgium chocolate . Fish taste of cabige and cabige tastes of barbicued spare ribs. It's a great place to live. Even the sewige is edible.'
'What does that taste of?'
'Coconut yogart.'
'This talk of food is making me hungry' I said. 'Lets go out and find some where to eat.'
'I'm with you' said Neil.
It was difficult to find a café or resturont at six in the morning. Every where was not open at that hour. But we finaly found one that was. It was called "The Hungry Me". Its windows were broken and paint was peeling of the door. It looked dirty and very unhygeanic.
'Shall we go in here?' I said.
'Yes. It's the only place that is open' said Neil.
In we went. There was broken tables and chairs. A cat sat on the floor eating half a mouse. The rest of the customers looked at us suspiciously and mumbled in their mugs of tea. The walls were stained with tabacco smoke and grease. From the kitchen you could hear and smell bad meat sizzling on the stove. We sat down and an old woman who's name was Edna with rickets in her legs came over and handed us a menu. At the top of the menu it said "All dishes are cooked in the finest engine oil". I looked at what was on offer. There was "Guts in garlic" Sheeps guts cooked with garlic served in grease. Omlette hot fucker. Omlette served with mustard, red chillies and horse raddish. We settled for plain old sosige, bacon egg and chips.
'Do you want extra grease with that?' asked Edna.
'No' we said. She went away to the kitchen. 'Fred' she shouted to the chef.
'Two sosige, bacon, egg and chips. As fast as you can you lazy bastard.'
'Fuck you, you smelly old bitch' came Freds voice.
An old man behind us stood up and vomited all over his table . Then clutched his hart and fell to the floor. 'Ahhhh the bastards have poisoned me' he said before passing out. Edna came over and took his wallet.
Our food finally arived. It was coverd in grease and there looked to be a pubic hair on each of our egg yokes. Neil cut up a bit of his sosige and ate it. His face screwed up in disgust.
'Excuse me' he said to Edna. "Are these sosiges fresh?"
'Ofcourse they are fresh. Thay have been in the freezer since nineteen eighty seven.'
'This bacon tastes foul' I said.
Edna produced a hand grenade. 'Eat your fucking food now or I'll blow you up' she said pulling the pin. We shoved the food down our mouths as quickly as we could . Puked up and ran out the café never to return again.
SEXTON MING
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