GASOMASS: EVIL GUY PART THREE
28 March 2003
The very next morning Gasomass was off in his car again. He was damp and cold from the matress he slept on in Swizzle Sticks back yard.
'I feel strange' he thought. 'That matress was covered in mould. Yes I feel it. That mould was Ergot, which LSD is a derivative of. It has soaked into my skin and soon I will be tripping. I am proud to be in control of a vehicle while under the influence of hallucinogenic. Here they come. The giant gummy bears. I see them through my window screen. They lay flat on the road at first. Then they pull themselves up and inflate. As tall as houses. Coming at me to eat my face. But I am too quick for them. I run them over. Their jelly bodies splatt and dribble over the pedestrians. My steering wheel has turned into a garden worm. My gear stick is a big phallus of psychedelic proportions. Now I understand today's youth. No longer shall I kill them. But then I might. My car is full of curry. Yum.'
Gasomass in his drug driven state began to eat the seats while driving a hundred miles an hour in a forty miles zone running over people a lot.
When he came too he found himself in a police cell. Standing over him was a good looking Policeman.
'Who are you?' asked Gasomass.
'I am PC Ace Matirial' he said very camply. 'You have been a naughty boy. You have killed many people with your wreckless driving. Are you sorry Suger Plum?'
'I get it' said Gasomass. 'you're the nice cop'
'that's right. And your cuter.'
'Where's the nasty cop?'
'HERE!' came a voice like thunder as a huge man with a scar across his face came crashing through the cell wall.
'I am Mean Cop' he bellowed. 'You have transgressed the laws of the Bible.'
"I only killed people" protested Gasomass.
'Yes. But you forgot to say grace. That I cannot stand. OK you queer. Get out of here while I beat this man up.'
PC Ace Matirial left the cell.
'Prepair to die' said Mean Cop taking off his shirt.
'You prepair to be blasted asunder' said Gasomass as he pulled down his trousers to reveal his spotty bottom. He let rip and the whole police station was blown apart. Gasomass was soon on the road again.
After a while he found himself on the right road to Dorset. He drove through narrow country lanes with tree's and bushes and squirrels who would throw nuts at his car. Reindeer would stand by the road side and throw rocks. Polar Bears would drop tree trunks on his roof.
'The indignation of these animals' thought Gasomass. 'If I had my way I would get rid of them all. I'd start with the ants. The work my way up to birds and then lions.'
Soon he found himself driving up to a cliff with the sea splashing below. On the Cliff was a little house.
'Ah ha. I'm here at last.' He parked the car and knocked on the door. There was no answer. So he threw a stone through the living room window. He heard a woman inside curse.
'Who the fuck did that?' She opened the door. 'GASOMASS!' she said in surprise.
'Fiendish Woman. Its me,' he said gleefully. 'I have left my wife so we can rekindle our love again.'
Fiendish Woman did a kung Fu kick on his front teeth. Gasomass fell on his back. Seagulls quickly came and plucked his loose teeth from their gums and flew back to their nest's. Gasomass shook the stars out of his head and got to his feet.
'If you don't want my love then away with you.' He grabbed Fiendish Woman by her breasts and threw her off the cliff. Then he entered her house and bolted the door behind him.
Night fell on the little house. The wind blew and waves crashed on the pebbled shore. Gasomass had lit a log fire in the hearth. He sat in a comfortable arm chair sipping a glass of wine while listerning to his faverite song "Prince Charming" by Adam and the Ants. Yes Fiendish woman's home was very cosy.
Down on the beach she was not dead. She huddled in her shawl against the cold, sharp wind.
'Curse that Gasomass. Him and his eggy farts. I must regain my home. But I need help. I am no match for his evil. And no Kung Fu kick phases him. I shall use my magic to cunjure up a victor.'
So saying she gatherd some red pebbles together and put them in a pile. Then she lifted up her skirt and did a big piss over them while chanting these words.
'Oh Goddess of the moon. Bring to me a strong worrier with muscles of brick. To help me vanquish my gasious foe.' She did a little dance. Lit a cigerrett and waited for her prayers to be answerd. An hour went by.
'Fucking hurry up. Its getting cold.'
Then in the distance walking on the sea was a strong figure. It came closer and closer. Till it reached the shore. It was a giant mouse.
'Hallo' it said. "I am Conquest Mouse. I have come to do your bidding. They call me Conquest Mouse because 1: I am a mouse. And 2: I win all my battles. Note my battle scars and my front teeth are missing' said the mouse removing his dentures. 'What is your wish, oh woman?'
'I want you to remove that awful ex lover of mine from my house. But beware Conquest Mouse. His behind omits some incredible farts. They smack of decedence.'
'Methane holds no fear for me. Stand aside good woman,' he said knocking her over with his byceps. The mouse banged on the door with furry.
'If that's you Fiendish Woman don't bother trying to get back in your house' cried Gasomass from with inside. 'I am here to stay. I'm going to eat you out of house and home.'
Conquest Mouse knocked on the door once again. 'I am a religious nut' he said. ' I want to bore you for half an hour on the merits of Jehovah' he said knowing this would entice Gasomass to open the door. He was right.
Gasomass sprang from his seat rubbing his hands together in glee. 'A religious nut,' he thought. 'I love to torture people of faith. I like to force them to denounce their beliefs.
Gasomass ran and opened the door. What a shock he got. 'Good God. Your not a religious nut. You're a giant rat.'
'Leave this house at once or suffer the consiquences' bellowed Conquest Mouse.
'Never. Gasomass does not bow down to rodents.'
The battle that comenced was fierce and furious. Most of the furniture and light fittings were smashed to pieces in their scuffles. Gasomass actually ripped out the wiring from the walls to electricute Conquest Mouse's testicals. Several times he got Gasomass in head locks and choked him with his powerful muscles. Conquest Mouse was an expert in wrestling. He got Gasomass in many painful contortions. All he could do was Kung Fu. But to no effect. Conquest Mouse's body was so solid there was very little damaged done.
At two p.m. after the Fiendish womans house was completely trashed Conquest Mouse dragged a black and blue Gasomass out by the scruff of his neck. He threw his weak body in front of her.
'There. I have taught him a lesson. He will not squat your house ever again.'
'Of corse he wont' snarled Fiendish Woman. 'There's nothing left of my house,' she said as the front door fell off its hinges and flames engulfed the roof.
Bruised and battered and with hurt pride Gasomass headed back home. He told some story to his wife about how he was beaten up by bandits on his way to Dorset. He didn't tell her the truth about Fiendish Woman or Conquest Mouse.
Like the good faithful wife that she was she ran him a bath to soothe his wounds and cooked him some eggs. Later they took a stroll to the bus stop.
'Oh Gasomass' she said. 'I must go to the toilet.'
'Do it in the gutter' he suggested.
His wife hitched up her skirt and relieved her self.. There was a man standing at the bus stop. He looked on with disdain. Gasomass tapped him on the shoulder.
'Don't look over there. My wife is having a piss.'
THE END
SEXTON MING