GASOMASS: EVIL GUY PART TWO
28 January 2003
For hours and hours Gasomass drove his rented estate car in the pouring rain. The window wipers worked over time. Being an unexsperienced driver and travelling at high speeds he caused many accidents People would knock their front teeth out on their steering wheels as they shunted the backs of lorrys. All the making of Gasomass's poor driving skills.
"The meaning of life has no meaning for me' he thought as a motorcyclist hit the hard shoulder and bounced down the road. 'Music. I need music.' Gasomass put on a cassette. It was his faverite song Adam and the Ants "Prince Charming".
'I would love to meet Adam Ant and give him some grief'' he thought.
By nine o'clock he found himself in Scunthorp.
'This is not Dorset' . He looked at his ordinance survey map again. This is a map of a mouse. I can tell quite easily. When I was at school in Science I used to disect mice. I would rip them apart in seconds then eat their shit pipes. I loved it when the teacher would lock me in a room with two thousand mice and watch them beg for mercy....Time to take some phycodelic drugs.' As saying Gasomass from his wallet retreaved two white pills. He popped them into his mouth.
'Man, I'm speeding. I am a dog delivering pizza. I fly like the wind. I am Moses. I am Jesus. I am Bhudda...Who am I fooling? They're only Paracetamal.'
Gasomass Drove on.
Not having anything to eat all day Gasomass thought he better go to a resturont in Scunthorp. He found an indian called "Raj la Taj"
'This looks a good place as any. I shall make a grand entrance.'
Gasomass kicked the door open and did a tripple summersault in the air just like a true gymnast. He landed in front of the waiter who clapped in true amazment.
'That was spectaculer sir'.
'You didn't know that I used to be in the Circus did you?' smiled Gasomass.
'I don't know you sir. Please take a seat.'
Gasomass sat down at a table and unwraped his napkin on his lap.
'Listern up kid' he said giving his order. 'I'll have a bottle of red wine just for me...me...ME. Then I'll have a lamb Bhuna, vegetable pillau rice. And a garlic naan.'
While waiting for his meal Gasomass helped himself to two glasses of wine and studied the guy siting at the opersit table.
'He looks like a fat Jim Morrison' thought Gasomass. 'I bet his name is Don Limpio and his faverite song is "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club. He is the kind of guy I would like to put nipple clamps on.'
A Waiter with a trolly of food came to the man's table.
'Lamb Bhuna, vegitable pilau rice and a garlic nann. Enjoy your meal sir.'
'Damn it. The grappling hook is having the same food as me. Well I'll put a stop to that.'
Gasomass stood up and walked up to the mans table. He turned his back and thrusted his arse in the mans face and farted heartily. Then he pulled down his trousers and had a shit on his curry. Then he mixed it up with a fork.
'There. Try and pick out the chunks of meat.'
'Gasomass ate his food and left the resturont without paying. He walked down the road with a heavy belly like a balloon filled with dough. He could not help but feel some one or something was following him. Hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He spun round quickly in a kung fu attack position. There in front of him was a beautiful blond woman in a red dress wearing a fur coat.
'Put down your fists" she purred huskily. 'I've been watching you in the resturont. Why did you shit in that mans curry?'
'Because I am an evil guy' replied Gasomass.
'I thought so' she purred again. 'Evil men turn me on. My name is Samantha. But most people call me Swizzle Stick. Here is my card. She handed Gasomass a business card. It read...
Kwick Save Sex Clinic
Come in and we'll give your tits a going over for free.