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THE DETECTIVE
14 October 2000
Hi I'm a detective. A private detective. My job involves guns, guts and
girls. I carry guns. I see lots of mens guts hanging out and I have to have
sex with lots of girls in order to get information.
The other day I was in my office reading German shit porn magiziens when the
phone rang.
'Hi this Dick Shuver, private detective' I said.
'This is Mr Nice person. I want you too look at a dent in my car' said the
guy on the other end. 'I'll be over right away.' I said putting the phone
down. Something in my guts told me this was no straight forward case. The
guys name didn't seem right. Mr Nice person. No ones nice.
He was standing by his blue car when I got there. My instincts told I was
right when I saw his face. He looked like a cunt.
'Hallo Mr Shuver' he said holding out a greasy hand. I did not shake it.
'Private detective Shuver to you, you conservitive comunist' I said trying
to hide my contempt. 'What seems to be the trouble?'
'Look at my car. There seems to be a big dent in it.'
We looked at the front left wing. There was a dent alright. 'It looks as if
some ones arse has made it. And that some one has a big arse' I said.
'I want you to find out who's arse has made this dent and bring them to
justice' said Mr Nice person. 'If you find the man I'll give you two
thousend yen.'
'I'll get on the case right away, you liberal religious cunt' I said.
I thought this would be an open and shut case. There couldn't be too many
people in the city with a arse a big as that. I went down town to see an old
tramp called Hurculees. He knew every thing that was going down on the
street.
'Do you know some one who's arse is big enough to dent a car?' I asked him.
'There's only one guy who fits that discription. And that is Randos the
Bull' he said.
'Where can I find him?'
'He usualy hangs out at the Hungry Me bar. Where beer is drunk and guts are
spilled.'
Into the dingy bar of the Hungry Me I enterd. The air was thick with
cigerette smoke. It was a place filled with hookers, pimps and low life.
'Scotch on the rocks with some ice cream on top' I orderd. 'Do you know
where I can find Randos the bull?' I asked the barman.
'Who wants to know?' came a loud voice out of the smoke. Then he apeard.
Randos him self. 'I'm Randos' he said flexing his muscles.
'I'm taking you in' I said.
'What for?'
'For making a dent in Mr Nice persons car with your fat bum.'
'Ha. You'll never take me alive' he said. And with that he turned and farted
in my face so hard it knocked me off my stool. The smell made me unconcious
for a few seconds. I woke up to find Randos jumping on my guts.
'Oooofff you are waighty Randos.'
I managed to grab a bottle and smashed it over his head. Then I quickly hand
cuffed him.
'Ok Randos I' ve got two thousand yen coming my way if I take you in. On
your feet.'
'Wait' said Randos. 'Let me tell you why I did it. That cunt Mr Nice person
runs a car hire company. When people hire a car he steals their credit card
details and draws out all their money. He then buys computers and baby food
and sells it on the black market. That’s why I did it.'
'God' I cried. ' That’s the most low down crime in the world. Come on, lets
go and see this Mr Nice person.'
'Ah Mr Shuver' said the smarmy Mr Nice person. 'Did you find out who dented
my car?'
'Yes it was me' said Randos knocking him to the ground.
'Make a dent in his guts Randos" I said. Randos sat on Mr Nice persons guts.
'Aaaagghhhh your squoshing my abdomin '
'Give us all your money' I said.
'Here take it all."
There was four thousand yen. 'Here you are Randos. You take half. Now fill
him up with shit.'
'Hurray for me' said Randos.
SEXTON MING
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