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DANGER DOG
14 January 2000
During the Christmas holidays me and my girlfriend had to look after a dog in my flat. A friend of ours called Mrs Grip was going to spend Christmas in America. So on that day she bought her little doggy round.
'His name is Danger Dog' she said. 'He is highly inteligent and can speak thirteen different languiges. He eats two raw steaks with cabige twice a day. He likes to drink five pints of beer three times a day so take him to the pub regulery. I will now go to America. Good bye Danger Dog.'
'Good bye Mom and bring me back some hamburgers with cheese' said Danger Dog to his mistress.
After she had gone we set about making Danger Dog feel at home.
'Well Danger Dog' I said. 'What would you like to do?'
'Lets watch TV'
'Ok.' I switched on the TV. On channel one was a program about Celine Dion having it off.
'This is crap' blurted Danger Dog. 'I cant stand her. Her legs are too thin and her teeth are false. Whats on the next channel?'
I switched over. What was on was Elton Johns Christmas money bonus special.
Elton had his pants pulled down and three gay men dressed as boy scouts were stuffing fifty pound notes up his arse.
'Oh not again'said Danger dog. 'He does this every year. He's like shit in a field, he's everywhere.'
We tried the rest of the channels. There was Shakespear on ice, "Watching paint dry on Christmas day". There was nothing on.
'Lets go down the pub' said Danger Dog. 'Its time for my five pints of ale.'
Down to the pub we went. 'A pint of your strongest ale please Barman' said Danger dog.
'The strongest we have is "Old shit kicker"' he said.
'Then I'll have that. Danger Dog drank it down with gusto. Then orderd another one.
Suddenly from behind the bar another small dog appeared. It was a female dog.
Danger Dog put down his beer and wiped the dribles from his chin.
'Whats this? A sexy chick' he grawled. 'Come here baby.'
The female dog who"s name was Trixie galloped over. 'Would you like to smell my bum' she purred.
'I sure would' Danger Dog sniffed Trixie"s arse. 'Mmmm it smells of brown bread and meat.'
'Now let me smell yours' said Trixie. 'Mmmm it smells of cabige. I bet you do some good stinky turds.'
'I sure can' said Danger Dog. 'Watch me.' Danger dog strained and out popped a dark brown log. 'What do you think? ' he asked proudly.
'Pungent' said Trixie . 'I like a man who can stink the bar out. Why donŐt you stay here with me over Christmas. You can drink as much beer as you like and we can have lots of sex.'
'Your coming home with me ' I said.
'Fuck you. I'm set up here.' Said Danger Dog. 'Christmas with you is boring.'
So I left him at the pub and went back and had sex with my own girl on Christmas day.
Sexton Ming
SEXTON MING
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