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THE BABOON'S ELECTRONICS
March 2001
Mad Sod the Scientist had just completed a blue print for an amazing computer
'Ha ha ha" he laughed with joy. 'This computer will win me the prize of the prestigious "federation of new inventions" award. Not only will it do things that ordenary computers do. But it will help people smell things through the internet. They will be able to smell text. Log on to porn sights and smell all the wonderous body fluids. The possibilitys are endless. And to make sure I win the prize I shall not build the computer myself. I shall get an ordenary working class man to build it. Possibly a peasent. That will realy impress the Judges at the Federation of New Inventions. The Prize money is well over a Million pounds. With that kind of money I can rule the world. And with this idear I cant loose.'
Mad Sod put an ad in his locale news paper. It read...
"Slow witted imbecile to help build complex
computer. Some exsperience in electronics welcome.
But not nesercery. Aply to Mad Sod the Scientist."
A few days latter Mad Sod had a visit from a ventriloquist and his dummy.
'Hi my names mister Memorabilia and this is my dummy Jimi Riddle. Befor I made a living out of throwing my voice I was an electrition on NASA's space probes.'
'Shut up you' said Mad Sod. 'I want to hear what your dummy"s got to say.'
'I do the voice for him' said Mr Memorabilia.
'donŐt interupt. Come on Mr Riddle. Speak to your master.'
'A bottle of beer. A bottle of beer' the dummy seemed to say.
'thatŐs better' said Mad Sod. Tell me. Have you any exsperience in electronics?'
'I was an electrition on NASA's space probes.'
'Splended" thought Mad Sod. 'The judges at the Federation of new inventions will be impressed by a computer built by a dummy.' Mad sod rubbed his hand with glee. Then said 'Go home. And I will let you know my decision. For I have a few more candidates to see.'
That same day Mad Sod interviewed a smelly tramp who could eat china plates with his bare teeth. A road sweeper who couldn't spell his own name. And a one armed fire breathing midget.
In the evening Mad sod was deciding on which person to pick. 'I will choose the ventriloquist dummy. That is the most impressive.'
Suddenly there was a knock at his door. Mad Sod opened it and before him stood a Baboon.
'I've come for the job' it said.
'My God. A baboon' thought Mad Sod. 'That would realy impress the judges if a monkey built my computer. 'Do you have any exsperience with electronics?' he asked the ape.
'No I'm a Baboon.'
'Great ' thought Mad Sod. 'Not only is he a Baboon but he has no knowlige of electrics. He will be easy to pay too. I hear bananas are cheap this time of year.'
Mad Sod took the Baboon into a room that was filled with reels of wire cable and electrical componantes.
'I want you to build me a computer. Here is the instructions' He said showing the ape his blue print. The Baboon took it from his hands and pissed on it.
'donŐt do that. You must follow the instructions carefuly. You have two days to compleate my computer.'
For two days and two nights the Baboon slaved away at making the computer. Sounds of tools and hammers being put to use could be heard from the room. In the morning Mad Sod looked in to see how it was.
'How is it going?' he asked.
'I've finished' said the Baboon. Mad Sod looked. The computer was a mess.
'These electronics are crap' he said aghast.
'Yeah I've held the wires together with my own shit' said the Baboon.
'You cant build a computer with shit. You need solder to stick the wires together.'
'Well what do you exspect. I'm a fucking Baboon aint I. I haven't got human intelligence.'
'Start again. And do it properly this time.'
For another two days and two nights the Baboon worked on the computer. Again Mad Sod looked in.
'What the fuck is all that yellow stuff in the computer?'
'Banana skins' said the Baboon. 'I used banana skins to hold the wires together.'
'You donŐt make a computer that way.'
'What do you exspect. I'm a fucking Baboon.'
'Start again.'
For weeks the Baboon tried to make Mad Sod's computer. But he always got it wrong. Till one day Mad Sod come into the room. 'Have you made my invention yet?' he asked.
'I've given up on that computer shit' said the Baboon. 'Instead I've made you an organic bullet making machine.'
'That sounds great. Let me see how it works.'
'First you give a carrot to a guinea pig ' said the baboon handing a carrot to a guinea pig in a wire cage. 'The guinea pig eats it and he shits it out.' The guinea pig droped a tiny pellet out of his arse. 'Then you put the turd in a hot oven and bake it for half an hour so it is hard as a rock. And then you have a two, two caliber bullet.'
'Fantastic' said Mad Sod.
He took the organic bullet making machine to the Federation of new inventions. The judges took one look at it and laughed Mad Sod out of the country.
'So Much for science' said the Baboon. 'I'm going back to the jungle. The world of humans is too complex and full of shit. I want some anarchy.'
THE END
Sexton Ming
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