ANDY WARTHOG AND HIS FACTORY
14 February 2002
It was 1966. Andy Warthog was in his factory with all his cronies. The Velvet Underground were rehersing. Lou Reed began to sing.
'I'm.
I'm wating for my wife.
Got two bags of shopping in my hands.
Outside Woolwerths 125.
Feel sick and dirty.
More dead than alive.
I'm waiting for my wife.'
John Cale stopped the band and had a word in Lou's ear.
'Lou' he said. 'I don't think the lyrics really work. Instead of the sing about a married couple why don't you make it about a drug dealer?'
'Heroin and all that stuff? That's a great idear John' said Reed.
Mean while Andy Warthog was being interviewed by Time magazien.
'I like art because it is so pretenous. I can be pretensous as much as I like and people will always think I'm god.'
'What is your next project Andy?' asked the Time Magazien intervewer.
'I'm going to make a art movie called "Fart"'.
'And whats the story line?'
'Oh darling there"s never any story line in my films. But what will happen a man eats a fridge full of curry and farts himself to death. I've orderd the fridge. It should be arriving today.'
'And who is to play the lead roll?'
'Ah that's the problem. I have'nt found the right person yet who will give the charictor justice. But no doubt I will find a unkown tramp in Manhattan who I can boost to stardom.'
'Andy you're a genious' said the interviewer fall on one knee and kissing Andy"s hand.
'Thank you. Worship me. Every one does.'
There was a knock on the Factory door.
'Candy Darling will you answer that please' said Andy.
'Who is it?' asked Candy Darling.
'it's the Fridge delivery man. I have a fridge for a Mr Warthog.'
Candy opened the door in stepped Randos the Bull with a large white fridge slung over his shoulder. Candys mouth dropped.
'What a hunk of bull' she thought. 'Look at his rippling muscles and swetty
foreskin.'
Andy too was aghast when he saw Randos.
'That is the perfect being to play the lead roll in "Fart".
'Where do you want this fridge?' asked Randos.
'Put it down there' said Andy.
Randos dropped it from his shoulders to the floor with a heavy clump.
'Tell me Bull' said Andy excitedly. 'Can you act?'
'No.'
'Can you sing?'
'No'.
'Can you dance?'
'No.'
'What are you good at?'
'Delivering Fridges.'
'Is there anything else your good at?'
'This' said Randos. He swung a right hook at John Cales jaw sending him flying backwards and smashing into Moe Tuckers drum kit.
'You cunt Cale. I'll have to buy a new drum kit now' said Moe.
'What are you crying about?' said Sterling Morrison. 'You can't play drums any way.'
'Oh yeah?' said Moe. 'Well get this in the bollocks for a start.'
As the Velvet Underground fought amongst each other Andy concentrated on Randos.
'You are perfect bull. You are the right guy to play the lead roll in "Fart". How would you like to be in the movies?'
'Well I don't know' said Randos. 'I've got a steady job delivering fridges.'
'I'll give you five dollars a day plus as much curry as you can eat.'
'As much curry as I can eat?' said Randos excitedly.
'Yes.'
'Your on' said Randos shaking Warthogs hand almost crushing it.
''Good. We'll start filming to morrow.
The next day Randos arrived at the Factory. The fridge was filled with curry.
'Have you learnt the script Randos?' asked Andy.
'Yes. There's not much to learn.'
'Good. Positions every one. And Action.'
Randos turned to the camera and looked straight into it. 'Fuck me. I'm so hungry I could eat a tone of cold curry. What's in my fridge.' Randos turned to the fridge and opened the door.
'I'm in luck. My fridge has loads of fucking curry in it.' He gatherd a few cartens of curry and sat down and began to eat it. Andy filmed him for two hours eating carten after carten of curry.
'Now Randos I want you to fart into the Camera' said Andy.
'Ok I've got one brewing up.'
'And action.'
Randos let rip a most ferocious and pungent fart that knocked the camera over. The Factory was filled with methaine. Every one choked.
'Oh dear' said Andy. 'Your fart seems to have melted the film in the camera. Never mind. This time we'll film your arse off camera. Just point your arse in the direction of John over ther. And action.'
Randos farted again. The blast knocked John Cale back wards smashing into Moe Tuckers drum kit.
'You bastard Cale. I've got to get another drum kit now. This is costing me a fortune.'
'Why don't you play some card board boxes?'
'Shut your mouth Morrison.'
''that was great Randos' said Andy. Keep on eating curry while we have a break.'
'What ever you say. I love curry, me' said Randos
By the time the break was over Randos had eaten twice his own body weight in curry.
'Ok Randos' said Andy. 'We're going to do the love scene with you and Nico. Your bending over as Nico kisses your arse. Then you fart.'
'Got it" said Randos.
'Good. And Action.'
'Look at my arse Nico' said Randos.
'You have a beautiful arse' said Nico in her deep tutonic voice.
'Now fart' commanded Andy off camera. Randos farted as instructed. The blast knocked Nico's front teeth out.
'Sorry Nico.'
'that's alright Randos. I'm just going to the toilet to take some heroin.'
Randos ate more and more curry all through the day till he couldn't eat another drop.
'My guts don't feel too good Andy' he said. "I think I've got to have a shit.'
'Go a head. We'll keep the camera's rolling.'
Randos dropped his guts . Ten tones of brown stuff came out of his arse.
Filling the factory up to the cealing. Every one was almost drowned.
Three months later Andy Warthog was at an art film award ceremony.
'And for best art film of the year" said the judge. The award goes to...Andy Warthog for "Fart".'
'Hurray for Randos' said Andy.
THE END
Sexton Ming